Blairblogg

Men Are just Happier creatures....

2007-08-28T10:30:00.000+01:00

I came across this the other day and thought i Should share it with who-ever stumbles across this blog ....

Men Are Just Happier creatures...

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays
put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be
pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear
NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world
is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom
because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of
which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add
character. Greying hair adds attraction. Wedding dress~$5000. Tux
rental~$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to
them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New
shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all
your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still
be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs
of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in
public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same
hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades . You only have to shave your
face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly
usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color
for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You
can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice
concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25
relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

Classic chat up line

2007-01-19T17:44:00.000Z

Two guys sitting in the office chatting, when this girl passes them going to the toilet.
Guy says "I think she's nice"
Guys mate "well nip over and give her the patter"
Guy "the patter?"
Guys mate "aye the patter"
Guy "I don't know any patter I've never found it easy to talk to girls"
Guys Mate "Fu*k's sake its easy, all you have to say is "hello" and
she will say "hello" back.
Then say "it's a nice day isn't it"
Then she will say "Yes it is"
Then you say "but not half as nice as you!"
Then she will say "Oh thank you"
Then the patter will just flow"
Guys Mate "look there she coming back out, go and give it a go"
So nervously off he goes re-running the patter in his head.
He walks up and says "Hello"
She says "Hello"
He says "It's a nice day isn't it?"
She says "Yes it is"
He says "but not half as nice as you"
She says "Oh thank you"
A Few seconds of uneasy silence............
Then he says............
"Been for a sh*te then?"

Coincidence....

2006-12-01T08:53:00.000Z

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a
glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just
ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm
celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the
woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked,
"What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all
My hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized
eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence"

Kinda like Daniel in the lions den - only different ?

2006-11-30T11:28:00.000Z

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
college.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing
with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so
Mbembe
approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected
the
elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out
with
his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its
foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on
its
face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen,
thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant
trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty
years
later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they
approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked
over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large
bull
elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground,
then
put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted
loudly, all
the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if
this
was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over
the
railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to
the
elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted
again,
wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly
back
and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.....

Cummon Bokke !!

2006-11-09T15:04:00.000Z

I am a very happy man today !!

As you may know I am a very staunch fan of the Boys in Green and Gold (Bokke).Well they are playing here in Dublin this weekend against the Irish and the fever is getting catchy.... As Always I am shouting my mouth off to anyone who may listen (and to a few who wont !!).
Two years ago I was doing the same and made my name completely "Tottie" cos they actually beat us for the first time in My living memory.... Not good when you work in Ireland and your boss is a rugby-head too.....

Anyway...... Today i got a call from an aquaintance who owns a "South African Shop" In Dublin to say that the Bok team was on their way over to his shop for an impromptu Shirt signing..... so off I went to the shop and I bought their last big SA Flag..... while I was there some of the Bok team arrived and I got to really chat with them cos I was nearly the only guy there !! They all signed the flag for me and then we just stood around shootin the breeze... They are REALLY hungry to put the Ghost of 2004 to rest and promised me faithfully that they would put things right for me !! :-) They are a great bunch of guys !!

I have complete faith in them and have a list of bets as long as my arm from the lads in my local rugby club.... So, my next blog will either be euphoric and jovial or sent from the poor-house :-) !!

Hold thumbs for me and watch out for me on TV on Saturday afternoon (I'll be the eejit waving the SA flag in the seated stands with the huge grin on my face !!!

Cummon Bokke !! Time to show the Irish that they are better at Guinness than Rugby !!

Stuttering kitty ....

2006-10-18T09:20:00.000+01:00

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human
Beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she
Volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rotweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,
Fffff'... and before he could say "Fuck !!” , the rotweiler ate him!"

Bollox !!

2006-10-17T14:05:00.000+01:00

You ever have one of those days when you wish you had just stayed in bed ??
Today is that day for me...
Got out of bed late cos the sun forgot to shine (winter is setting in and sometimes the sun forgets to put in an appearance....)
The neigbors cat was screeching blue murder most of the night, and i dont have my shotgun handy....
I raced out the house without my suit jacket (and its friggin cold)
Rode in traffic bumper to bumper for an hour and a half and happened to stop next to a traffic cop who noticed i was stopped in the traffic junction yellow box - €60 fine and the indignity of having all the rest of the traffic driving by gawking at the eejit that the cops caught ...
Got to work to find my designated parking spot has been usurped by a manager higher up the foodchain than me and that he has laid claim to it through the correct and legal chain - so I cant even beat the crap out of him and demand it back ....
I have to chair a meeting with my largest , most lucrative client and senior management who have decided to let the axe drop on said client without understanding the strategic importance of said client. Senior Management will be back on to me in short time asking me to mend the fences when they realise what a F*ckup they have made...
I have to cancel my planned long weekend with a Mate over in the UK who was going to take me racing in his new race car, all because the Frickin F*ckwits at Immigration decided only to work on Mon/Wed/Fridays...... and I need the damn thing to fly this weekend and they are stalling getting the passport back to me...
etc
etc etc....
and im not even halfway through this crappy day yet...

Bollox !!

You shouldnt lie to the Cabbie...

2006-10-17T13:43:00.000+01:00

A couple are going out for a night on the town. They're all dolled up, ready to go; the lights left on, the dog put out.

But just as the taxi arrives and they step out of the house, the dog darts back inside and won't come out. They don't want to leave the dog inside, so the husband goes upstairs to find it, while the wife goes to wait in the taxi.

Not wanting it known that the house will be empty, she explains to the driver that her husband had just gone "to say good-bye to my mother".

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat-hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard! She'd better not sh!t in the vegetable garden again!".

The silence in the cab was deafening.

Blonde jokes ..... You gotta love em ..

2006-10-09T10:41:00.000+01:00

A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really
bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took
it to the repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde,
so he decided to have some fun.
He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really
hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and
started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened.
She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said,
"What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to
blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her roommate rolled her eyes and said...
"HELLLLOOOWW .
You gotta roll up the windowwwws..."

How Fathers look after their Daughters...

2006-10-02T08:34:00.000+01:00

An 18 yr old girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for
Two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a
Pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting,
Cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I
Want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man
With grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the
Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and
the mother, and the girl.
Then he spoke up with a clipped accent "Good morning, your daughter has
informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa and a £2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage I am not too sure what to do ? What would you suggest?"
At this point the girl's father who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him ... "You shag her again."

Cheap at half the price...

2006-09-28T10:38:00.000+01:00

A guy is driving around Town and he sees a sign in front of a
house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting
there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the
CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping I was one of
their most valuable spies for eight years running.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired"
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."

When youre just shit outta luck ....

2006-09-21T08:32:00.000+01:00

Two Guys In The Bar One says, "Did your hear the news? Mike is dead!" "Whoa, what the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived at my driveway, he was going too fast, couldn't brake properly and boom - he hits the curb and the car flips. The car knocks down half of my front fence and Mike gets thrown through the sunroof. He went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that. That didn't kill him at all. So, he lands in my upstairs bedroom, lying on the floor all covered in broken glass. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking one arm, three ribs and both his legs."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and drags himself out onto the landing. He tries to pull himself up on the bannister but under his weight, the bannister breaks and he goes falling all the way down to the first floor taking the entire bannister with him. In mid air, all the broken bannister poles fall on him and 2 or 3 of them skewer him right through the abdomen just like a rotisserie chicken when he landed at the bottom."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him. He survived even that. So he's on the downstairs floor just outside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove by but reaching for a big pot of boiling hot water, and whoosh, the whole thing comes down on him and burns most of his skin off."

"Man, what a terrible way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the floor, scalded by boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing out of the wall. Water and electricity don't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, with 220 volts going right through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he ..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my f..king house

Am I the only one that sees massive conflict looming ?

2006-09-19T10:52:00.000+01:00

This piece from an Airline pilot speaks for so many of us from many countries around the world. Which-ever side of the fence you look at it from, the signs growing around this are ominous.............. (Pls note I am not anti-anyone - it just makes me worry! )

Profiling

This might be long but it sure hits the nail on the head. I just read in the paper today that some Moslem doctor is saying we are profiling him because he has been checked three times while getting on an airplane.

(A Letter From An American Airlines Pilot) This is the same question that many of us have been asking for the past several years....this well spoken man, who is a pilot with American Airlines, says what is in his heart beautifully....read, absorb and make plans to be prepared for an inevitable conclusion.

YOU WORRY ME!

By American Airlines Pilot - Captain John Maniscalco "I've been trying to say this since 9-11 but you worry me. I wish you didn't. I wish when I walked down the streets of this country that I love, that your color and culture still blended with the beautiful human landscape we enjoy in this country. But you don't blend in anymore. I notice you, and it worries me. I notice you because I can't help it anymore. People from your homelands, professing to be Muslims, have been attacking and killing my fellow citizens and our friends for more than 20 years now. I don't fully understand their grievances and hate but I know that nothing can justify the inhumanity of their attacks.

On September 11, nineteen ARAB-MUSLIMS hijacked four jetliners in my country. They cut the throats of women in front of children and brutally stabbed to death others. They took control of those planes and crashed them into buildings killing thousands of proud fathers, loving sons, wise grandparents, elegant daughters, best friends, favorite coaches, fearless public servants, and children's mothers.

The Palestinians Celebrated, The Iraqis were overjoyed as was most of the Arab world.

So I notice you now. I don't want to be worried. I don't want to be consumed by the same rage and hate and prejudice that has destroyed the soul of these terrorists. But I need your help. As a rational American, trying to protect my country and family in an irrational and unsafe world, I must know how to tell the difference between you, and the Arab/Muslim terrorist.

How do I differentiate between the true Arab/Muslim-Americans and the Arab/Muslims in our communities who are attending our schools, enjoying our parks, and living in OUR communities under the protection of OUR constitution, while they plot the next attack that will slaughter these same good neighbors and children? The events of September 11th changed the answer. It is not my responsibility to determine which of you embraces our great country, with ALL of its religions, with ALL of its different citizens, with all of its faults. It is time for every Arab/Muslim in this country to determine it for me.

I want to know, I demand to know, and I have a right to know whether or not you love America. Do you pledge allegiance to its flag? Do you proudly display it in front of your house, or on your car?

Do you pray in your many daily prayers that Allah will bless this nation, that He will protect and prosper it? Or do you pray that Allah with destroy it in one of your "Jihads"? Are you thankful for the freedom that only this nation affords? A freedom that was paid for by the blood of hundreds of thousands of patriots who gave their lives for this country? Are you willing to preserve this freedom by paying the ultimate sacrifice? Do you love America? If this is your commitment, then I need YOU to start letting ME know about it.

Your Muslim leaders in this nation should be flooding the media at this time with hard facts on your faith, and what hard actions you are taking as a community and as a religion to protect the United States of America Please, no more benign overtures of regret for the death of the innocent because I worry about who you regard as innocent. No more benign overtures of condemnation for the unprovoked attacks because I worry about what is unprovoked to you. I am not interested in any more sympathy...I am only interested in action.

What will you do for America - our great country -- at this time of crisis, at this time of war?

I want to see Arab-Muslims waving the AMERICAN flag in the streets. I want to hear you chanting "Allah Bless America ." I want to see young Arab/Muslim men enlisting in the military. I want to see a commitment of money, time, and emotion to the victims of this butchering and to this nation as a whole. The FBI has a list of over 400 people they want to talk to regarding the WTC attack. Many of these people live and socialize in Muslim communities. You know them. You know where they are.

Hand them over to us, now! But I have seen little even approaching this sort of action. Instead I have seen an already closed and secretive community close even tighter. You have disappeared from the streets. You have posted armed security guards at your facilities.

You have threatened lawsuits. You have screamed for protection from reprisals.

The very few Arab/Muslim representatives that HAVE appeared in the media were defensive and equivocating. They seemed more concerned with making sure that the United States proves who was responsible before taking action. They seemed more concerned with protecting their fellow Muslims from violence directed towards them in the United States and abroad than they did with supporting our country and denouncing "leaders" like Khadafi, Hussein, Farrakhan, and Arafat. If the true teachings of Islam proclaim tolerance and peace and love for all people then I want chapter and verse from the Koran and statements from popular Muslim leaders to back it up. What good is it if the teachings in the Koran are good and pure and true when your "leaders" are teaching fanatical interpretations, terrorism, and intolerance?

It matters little how good Islam SHOULD BE if large numbers of the world's Muslims interpret the teachings of Mohammed incorrectly and adhere to a degenerative form of the religion. A form that has been demonstrated to us over and over again. A form whose structure is built upon a foundation of violence, death, and suicide. A form whose members are recruited from the prisons around the world. A form whose members (some as young as five years old) are seen day after day, week in and week out, year after year, marching in the streets around the world, burning effigies of our presidents, burning the American flag, shooting weapons into the air. A form whose members convert from a peaceful religion, only to take up arms against the great United States of America, the country of their birth. A form whose rules are so twisted, that their traveling members refuse to show their faces at airport security checkpoints, in the name of Islam.

Do you and your fellow Muslims hate us because our women proudly show their faces in public rather than cover up like a shameful whore? Do you and your fellow Muslims hate us because we drink wine with dinner, or celebrate Christmas? Do you and you fellow Muslims hate us because we have befriended Israel, the ONLY civilized democratic nation in the entire Middle East?

And if you and your fellow Muslims hate us, then why in the world are you even here? Are you here to take our money? Are you here to undermine our peace and stability? Are you here to destroy us? If so, I want you to leave. I want you to go back to your desert sandpit where women are treated like rats and dogs. I want you to take your religion, your friends, and your family back to your Islamic extremists, and STAY THERE! We will NEVER give in to your influence, your retarded mentality, your twisted, violent, intolerant religion.

We will NEVER allow the attacks of September 11, or any others for that matter, to take away that which is so precious to us: Our rights under the greatest constitution in the world. I want to know where every Arab/ Muslim in this country stands and I think it is my right and the right of every true citizen of this country to demand it. A right paid for by the blood of thousands of my brothers and sisters who died protecting the very constitution that is protecting you and your family. I am pleading with you to let me know. I want you here as my brother, my neighbor, my friend, as a fellow American. But there can be no gray areas or ambivalence regarding your allegiance and it is up to YOU, to show ME, where YOU stand." "Until then .. you worry me" ""

**********************************************

A Curry Tasters Report....

2006-09-18T08:29:00.000+01:00

Curry Tasters Report

(Notes taken from an Inexperienced Curry Taster Named Paul Reynolds, who was visiting Durban, from Abingdon, Oxfordshire, UK.)

"At a curry cook-off recently I was selected as a judge. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (a couple of local Indians), that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

______________________________________

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

PAUL: Holy shit!! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy if they even begin to think this tastes like food.

____________________________________________

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

PAUL: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. I had an expression like a cow sucking piss off a thistle.
____________________________________________

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

PAUL: Call Sellafield, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now; get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm now getting shit-faced from all the beer.
Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic Bean Blaster

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

PAUL: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Jaswinder, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 320 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

____________________________________________

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

PAUL: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed hospital treatment from 3rd degree burns. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Jaswinder saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on to it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Phone the White House and tell them you've discovered a stockpile of napalm.

____________________________________________

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!

PAUL: My intestines are now a straight pipe, filled with gaseous and dangerously explosive methane build up. I have sulphuric flames leaping from my arsehole. My rusty sheriffs badge feels like it's been rogered with a red-hot poker and I've just shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Jaswinder; she must be kinkier than I thought. I can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! I think if I sit on the toilet now, my arsehole will go down for a drink of water.
Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably, frothing at the mouth and nostrils and his trousers appear soiled with what appears to be a smoking gravy.

PAUL: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry, which slid unnoticed from my mouth. I'm dribbling acid that has eaten my beard away and now feels like it's eating my skin away with it. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 2-inch hole this stuff has eaten in my stomach.

____________________________________________

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

PAUL: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

From the men with the long white coats....

2006-09-15T09:41:00.000+01:00

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time,
and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director
what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub,
then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to
the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor.
"A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director,
"A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Hahahahaha !!!

Someone has been at the sea weed again ... :-)

2006-09-15T08:51:00.000+01:00

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called
Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks
that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian,
"I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any
worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and
lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away – afraid his friend
would eat him.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring as no-one would befriend him and became very sad.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he
thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a
prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that
the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture,
he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories
came flooding
back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old
friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your >dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed." -
SCROLL DOWN...

> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian!"

The pain threshold of men !!

2006-08-29T12:19:00.000+01:00

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in the car waiting for us to play a round of golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's already 9:30. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey And show him".

The Pro's and Cons of Eating Dogfood....

2006-08-28T08:49:00.000+01:00

I was buying a large bag of Dogmor at Checkers and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

On impulse, I told her that no, and that I was starting The Dogmor Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 10 Kgs before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Dogmor nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me.

Headin' off into the sunset....

2006-08-04T12:15:00.000+01:00

For all of you thousands on non visitors and the few that do.... I am gonna be riding off into the sunset for the next 18 days with my beautiful wife on my beautiful bike into the beautiful sunset.....

Yep, we off on Dave's Big one !

I have been planning a trip around Europe for the past 5 years or so. Sometimes in my head closely wrapped in Dreamland, other times bashed out in real life ! The Bike was bought, the liscence eventually gotten (after 30 odd years of riding without one),the itinery carefully planned and researched, dates chosen , ferry tickets bought, bike prepared and serviced , 1100 mile practice run, and now finally ....
the day has come. Tomorrow morning we head off into the unknown for the start of one of my biggest dreams come true !
8 countries ,6000miles (including the ferry ride), just the two of us against the European Continent ! WTF are we thinking !! ??
Im sure it will make for a great story or two (even if we only make it to the ferry!!) Think about how much luggage you would take if you were to go touring Europe with your wife in a car .....then try to scale it back to fit all that onto a
bike with enough space for 2 people too !! Gonna be a tight fit !! I must say I am a fan of that :-).

So till then , wish us luck and godspeed and safe ride etc.... Check you china's and Cio muchachos...

How to tell when your team is going down the crapper...

2006-07-28T11:01:00.000+01:00

I would be a staunch supporter of my national rugby union team.
I have been the only one (on occasion)who steadfastly believes they can do the job.
Through thick and thin as they say....
But you know that the road is getting rocky when you get jokes sent to you like this one....

Please be careful

I need to warn you about a new crime wave hitting the country.

Last night I was attacked and forced to the ground. The guy pushed something into my pocket and ran away. When I looked what it was, I saw it's a ticket to the next Springbok rugby game.

Please be careful, these people are desperate to get rid of these tickets and will stop at nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

You see what Im getting at ..... ? I STILL dont care.... The boys will do what needs to be done to make me proud ! Even if it takes a while :-)

Fathers Intuition...

2006-07-27T08:08:00.000+01:00

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law".

Dear Santy.....

2006-07-10T12:31:00.000+01:00

Dear Santy,

I know this is not the normal time you get letters for requests so I thought you may have some extra time to spend on thinking it over.

I have been a good boy this year and tried to work hard.
I have been diligent and loving to my family.
I havent screwed anybody overlately (that didnt desrve it).
I got the dent in the car fixed that I caused.
I bought my wife a pretty new house to decorate with whatever her heart desires.
I helped a friend in need yesterday with money I may never see again.
I fetch and carry my wife and daughter to and from appointments and train stations of my own volition, even without even being asked.
I have been abstenious with regards consumption of excess alcohol.

Etc Etc Etc ..... ad Nauseum.......

NOW WHERE IS MY FUCKEN PUPPY ??????!!! !!!

I SO do want a puppy,..... I love the smell and feel of them. I love that they cuddle and squirm against you when the doze off next to you on the couch. I especially love the smell of their ears.(yeah it is a bit weird but I dont care).It doesnt have to be a big one - just a little one will do.
Maybe a Jack Russel or a fox terrier or even better a little wire haired terrier like Rintin. I promise i will walk him, I will even clean up after him, he can go to the kennels when we go away on holiday.

I know its not practical - but I do SO want a puppy.......

or pls take the ache from my heart.

Its all a matter of Trust....

2006-07-06T13:01:00.000+01:00

Nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line.

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.

Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback"line -- and we think he'll win.

Just too much ... I cant stop laughing....

2006-06-12T11:50:00.000+01:00

A rich white guy decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all

of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Philamon, the token

black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the

backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp,

oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the

party, the rich white dude said, "I have a 10 ft. man-eating crocodile

in my pool and I'll give a million bucks to anyone who has the balls to

jump in."

The words were barely out of the rich white dude's mouth when there was

a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Philamon in the pool!

Philamon was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! He was jabbing the

croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of

things like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and

flipping it through the air like some kind of Japanese Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Philamon and

the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Philamon strangled

the croc and let it sink to the bottom like a sick goldfish. Philamon

then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him

in disbelief.

Finally the rich white guy says, "Well, Philamon, I reckon I owe you a

million bucks."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Philamon.

The rich white dude said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won

the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it.", answered Philamon.

The white dude said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something.That

was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock

options?"

The brother said no.

The confused rich white guy said, "Well, Philamon, then what do you

want?"

Philamon answered, "I want the name of the muthaf*cker who pushed me in

the pool!"

One should think before asking old people stuff....

2006-06-12T09:09:00.000+01:00

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't

prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first

witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since

you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk

about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't

the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher.

Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across

the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a

youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't

build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the

worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three

different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet

voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send

you to the electric chair."

Stop Streets explained...

2006-06-07T10:30:00.000+01:00

Cop pulls over a taxi.
Cop says: "License please."
Taxi driver says: "What for?"
Cop: "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Taxi driver: "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Cop: "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License please."
Taxi driver: "What's the difference?"
Cop: "The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License please!"
Taxi driver: "Heish ... if you can show me the difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Cop says: "Exit your vehicle, sir."
The taxi driver gets out of his taxi, whereupon the cop takes out his truncheon and starts beating the crap out of the taxi driver and says: "you want me to stop or just slow down?"

A tiecoon in the making...

2006-05-31T15:40:00.000+01:00

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistandesert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object,only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card-table with neckties laid out on it. The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie, and that you insult me. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table. The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not find it?

"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie

Depends on which side of the coin you reside.....

2006-05-30T14:19:00.000+01:00

OK, so this was really funny to me .... (I have a sick sence of humour! )

I sent this to a mate of mine cos I saw it in our local paper in South Africa online from Dublin.

So would the Govt call on the ANC Youth League to celebrate Voortrekker Day ? or some other historical hero's from the other side of the coin ?

Call for white youth to become involved in celebrating heroes....

Johannesburg - More white youth needed to be involved in commemorating heroes of the country's past, the National Youth Commission said yesterday.

Chairman Jabu Mbalula said the organisation had not succeeded in mobilising the white youth. "As we celebrate the 30th anniversary of the June 16 Soweto uprising, the challenge is to get all the South African youth involved."

Mbalula was speaking at the launch of the 30th anniversary of the June 16 uprising, held at the Morris Isaacson High School in Soweto. The aim of the launch was to unveil the Youth Month programme, to run from June 5 to 29, under the theme "Deepening youth participation in SA's development".

He said as part of the South African history, everyone, irrespective of who they were, should be involved.

My Mates answer was .... " The only White Hero Celebrated in SA today is Father Xmas !!"

That IS Funny !!

Shaggy .... It wasnt Me !!

2006-05-25T12:09:00.000+01:00

OK, so you have all seen the previous posts about my new Rocket Bike ! Yep, the BLUE,Blackbird or CBR 1100XX ...... And yes, I do Live close to Drogheda...

Well, I plead the 5th or as Shaggy would say ....It wasnt ME !!!

Best Quote Ever....

2006-05-24T13:55:00.000+01:00

Try this one on for size....

Blaming Guns For Violence Is Like Blaming Spoons Because Rosie O'Donnel Is Fat !!

THAT IS SO FUNNY !! I Love That one......

Views from either end of the Rainbow ....

2006-05-23T15:30:00.000+01:00

I got two very opposing emails today. Both from ex pats. they seem to illustrate the two ends of the rainbow to me as far as the Rainbow Nation (South Africa) is concerned.

VAN DER MERWE IN AUSTRALIA

Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting Bondi Beach, Australia. He spotted a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, "What are all those little black things out there?"

"They're buoys," said the Aussie.

"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"

"Holding up the shark nets," the Aussie told him.

"F*ck%#en hell!" said the South African, deeply impressed. "We'd never get away with that at home!"

(Boys is a derogatory term for Black Labourers)

Then you have this one......

I am an African
by Wayne Visser

I am an African
Not because I was born there
But because my heart beats with Africa's
I am an African
Not because my skin is black
But because my mind is engaged by Africa
I am an African
Not because I live on its soil
But because my soul is at home in Africa
When Africa weeps for her children
My cheeks are stained with tears
When Africa honours her elders
My head is bowed in respect
When Africa mourns for her victims
My hands are joined in prayer
When Africa celebrates her triumphs
My feet are alive with dancing
I am an African
For her blue skies take my breath away
And my hope for the future is bright
I am an African
For her people greet me as family
And teach me the meaning of community
I am an African
For her wildness quenches my spirit
And brings me closer to the source of life
When the music of Africa beats in the wind
My blood pulses to its rhythm
And I become the essence of music
When the colours of Africa dazzle in the sun
My senses drink in its rainbow
And I become the palette of nature
When the stories of Africa echo round the fire
My feet walk in its pathways
And I become the footprints of history
I am an African
Because she is the cradle of our birth
And nurtures an ancient wisdom
I am an African
Because she lives in the world's shadow
And bursts with a radiant luminosity
I am an African
Because she is the land of tomorrow
And I recognise her gifts as sacred

Summer fun....

2006-05-17T15:31:00.000+01:00

OK, so I have had this crazy idea since I was two bricks and a ticky high..... (very young).

I wanted to tour around Europe on a motorbike !

This is quite some dream for a kid who had never ridden on a motorbike, let alone been anywhere near Europe. Stuck away in a landlocked African Country in the arse end of nowhere, overseas and especially Europe could have been just past the stand of Bluegum trees at the end of the suburb for all I knew ....
So, 30 something years go by and here I am, on Europe's doorstep the proud owner of the flashiest Super touring Motorbike of all. I have booked the Ferry ride from Ireland to France in August (courtesy of my loving wife who actually does all the online bookings - being the Techno whizz of the family...)
The bike is booked in for a service (for which we are having to take out a second mortgage), the panniers are bought and fitted, all visa requirements are taken care of, "man to man" communication is fitted to the helmets, or man to woman as the case may be ! Leave has been booked by both parties, the map has been consulted and 7 countries chosen and mapped and now the countdown really begins...

Why is it then that just thinking about this adventure of a lifetime gives me nervous butterflies in my stomach ? Its almost as if I am terrified of actually realising my dream. Am I worried that I am running out of things to aim for ? Am I worried about driving on the wrong side of the road or not speaking the local languages ? Could it be that we are doing it alone without any backup ? It is tearing me up inside and I dont know why !

I have no problem believing the Bike will do us proud, I know I am a proficient rider with many years of Superbike riding under my belt. I know My other half loves to ride with me and we travel really well together. We have places to see on our pilgrimage that we have both wanted to see all our lives....... It is going to be a great trip and Im sure Terri will photograph everything perfectly and will write a best seller blog afterwards !!

I am stil nervous....

Performance Appraisals....

2006-04-18T09:38:00.000+01:00

For everyone who has ever received or given an evaluation, just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations...
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has

started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a

definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a

trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve

them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all

together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "He's been working with glue too much."

15. "He would argue with a signpost."

16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other

one."

19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking

for it."

24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

28. "One neuron short of a synapse."

29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

So , Where to next ?

2006-04-14T12:12:00.000+01:00

Number plates? Just treat them with contempt

Isn't it about time the venerable but now farcical system of sticking totally forgeable, easily stolen, number plates on motor vehicles ceased? I mean, it really is stupid when you think about it…

The original idea, a century ago, was laudable – back then, making a plate and bolting it to a car was a serious job. Now any Tom, Mary or Mpho can have a set of plates made to order – or simply steal a set – for or from a car of the same make and similar colour and Bob's your Oom.

No more camera-generated speeding tickets – except for the poor sod whose plates were stolen and who will be harassed into the grave by traffic cops bearing summonses and warrants of arrest to be followed by court appearances, contempt of court charges and other legal stuff.

Parking tickets? Any home computer can copy, edit and laser-print a reproduction licence disc with registration, engine and chassis numbers edited to match the false plates.

I submit, your honours, that a mere number plate and a photograph (despite time, date and speed printed thereon) no longer constitute irrefutable evidence and that all such prosecutions be thrown out of court, with costs.

I rest my case

Listen to the whole of the sentence !!

2006-04-13T14:08:00.000+01:00

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's actually dead...." There is a short silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Thought for the day ...

2006-04-13T13:12:00.000+01:00

This one is for my mates that know me well...:-)
I hope it comes out cos I thought it was brilliant and is good advice for all.

SA Government Tender process ....

2006-04-06T09:08:00.000+01:00

The Minister of Public Works wanted to remodel her office, so she invited different contractors for tenders.

One was from Johannesburg, one from Durban and the last one from
Soweto.
"OK gentlemen, I want a nice job ," She said, "Let's hear from Jhb?"
The guy took out his ultrasonic measuring device and tablet computer
and began measuring, scrawling on the computer, calculating.

Eventually he said "R90,000, Madam Minister,"

"That seems like quite a lot of money! Why R90,000?"

"You see," he replied, "that's R40,000 for material, R40,000 for
labour and R10,000 for my profit".

Stella seemed OK with that and turned to the Durban contractor. "So
how much do you want to do the job?" she asked.
The Durban fella took out a rusted tape measure, broken clipboard
and a blunt pencil. He took some measurements, scratched some calculations
on the back of his Rothmans box and came up with a figure of R70,000.

"That's interesting!" Said Stella. "Explain the R70,000?"
"Simple, Madam Minister, I got a brother-in-law in the hardware
trade,so that's R35,000 for materials, R30,000 for my guys, and R5,000
for my profit and all."
Stella was amused but happy to accept the explanation. Then she
asked the Soweto contractor for his quotation. He just smiled, looked the
minister in the eyes and said, "R270,000!"

"Yoh Yoh Yoh!... How did you come to that amount without even taking
your measurements? What is that amount for?"

"That's R100,000 for me & R100,000 for you!" he replied.

"So what about the remaining R70,000?" asked Stella.

The Soweto contractor said, "We hire that guy from Durban to do the job!!!"

Who do you think wins the tender ....??

The answer to the riddle hidden in the blog is ....

2006-03-31T11:51:00.000+01:00

There is a riddle hidden in this blog.

The answer to which is....

Eagles dont catch Flies !!

Saffa Technological glossary

2006-03-31T08:10:00.000+01:00

The Boere Computer Dictionary From South Africa

Monitor - Keeping an eye on the braai
Download - Get the firewood off the bakkie
Hard drive - Trip back home without any cold beer
Keyboard - Where you hang the bakkie and bike keys
Window - What you shut when it's cold
Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season
Byte - What mosquitoes do
Bit - What mosquitoes did
Mega Byte - What mosquitoes at the dam do
Chip - A bar snack
Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
Modem - What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix - Oom Jan Matrix's wife
Laptop - Where the cat sleeps
Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at KFC
Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from Checkers
Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
Mainframe - What holds the shed up
Web - What spiders make
Web Site - The shed (or under the verandah)
Cursor - The old bloke what swears a lot
Search Engine - What you do when the bakkie won't go
Yahoo - What you say when the bakkie does go
Upgrade - A steep hill
Server - The person at the pub what brings out the lunch
Mail Server - The bloke at the pub what brings out the lunch
User - The neighbour what keeps borrowing things
Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net
Online - When you get the laundry hung out
Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up

Rugby fans ....

2006-03-28T10:40:00.000+01:00

Two boys are playing cricket on a field in Durban, when one is attacked by a vicious Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy took his cricket bat and managed to wedge it down the dog's collar and twist, luckily breaking the dog's neck and stopping its attack. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Sharks Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal, " he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Sharks fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in Durban, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again. "Stormers Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack,..." he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Stormers fan either!", the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in Durban was either for the Sharks or Stormers .
"So what team DO you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Blue Bulls fan!", the child beamed.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little F*cker from Pretoria Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Direct from a Wordsmith ....

2006-03-27T11:14:00.000+01:00

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

To err is human, to moo bovine.

A good pun is its own reword.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean morality comes from morons?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a big book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Adolescence - when a lad forsakes his bosom buddy for a bosomed buddy.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Never jump at an opportunity without a bit of thought....

2006-03-24T12:07:00.000Z

Johnny wanted to shag a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone
else.
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give
you a 1000 dollars if you let me shag you....but the girl said NO.
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down,
I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend.....
So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for 2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast,
he won't even be able to get his pants down.
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to
call.
Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......
She said "THE BASTARD USED COINS!!!"
Management lesson:
ALWAYS CONSIDER A BUSINESS PROPOSAL IN ITS ENTIRETY!

Mother dearest......

2006-03-24T11:11:00.000Z

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together.

They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly

mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and

you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.

I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the

entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I

had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to

the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter

and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room,

but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home and I have

my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought

was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound. It

could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my

hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the

gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to

give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious.

Thank you."

Love

Mama

I dont Understand... !

2006-03-09T14:40:00.000Z

I don't understand.

After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on
Expenses - I had to give up drinking beer.
I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway,

I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from
Grocery shopping the receipt included 450 bucks in makeup.
I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up > anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "fcuk off, that's what the beer was for!"

A night to remember...

2006-03-06T11:47:00.000Z

I have spent the morning keeping my head low and being reminded of the vague recolective visions I have floating around the memory chamber in my head...

I returned yesterday afternoon to Dublin from a company weekend in Prague. I have missed the previous 4 international outings of our work social club but decided this year to see what all the fuss was about.

Every year the company pays for a trip away for all people who subscribe (for a tenner a month) to the social club. This is the highlight of a rather action packed and well subsidized social calendar that I largely tend to ignore.

Well,after a rather demure flight to Prague at some ungodly hour of Friday morning, we arrived at a stunning modern 4 star hotel, were shown our rooms, dumped our baggage and headed back down to the bar (well before midday), to hear what the general plan was .....

Considering we were a very large group (nearly 300) the group was split into 2 flights.......I was on the "early" one. The "general plan" was to meet back in the bar at 8pm that night (once the second plane load of people had arrived) to go on a paid for ,drink yourself silly cruise around the canals of Prague - after which you were on your own.... So what to do until 8pm....? Ahhhh, why not go out and find a pub in town ?

Long story cut short ..... 8pm found us back in the pub at the hotel ...."Four sheets to the wind"
Ready for our expedition. And an expedition it was to turn out to be.....
300, well oiled people, left the hotel on foot (in 2 foot of snow) to find the "underground Metro" which would get us close to the boat. Snow was still falling really hard and a few of us from the back decided that we would ambush the guys in front with snowballs...
This started a running snowball fight right thru the centre of prague with no-one exempt from a good pounding... even passersby not in our group. It was like a scene out of a movie... In fairness, the non group "civillians" (old and young alike)probably "gave" better than they "got"..... A) because they were sober and we could hardly see straight ..... and B) because they were used to this type of heavy snowfall and had probably been throwing snowballs since they were kids... Anyway, it was a riot !!

300 people normally attired in Suits and Ties were running amok like kids at christmas !!
All shrieking and wailing and milling snow at each other for well over half an hour. Even a cop car got lambasted as it drove past , surprisingly it just carried on through the group and high-tailed it outta there :-)

The boat trip was really wierd cos I dont remember much of it - it was too cold (minus 10 C )to go out on deck so we sat and emptied the bar. When we got to where we were going ...or back to where we started...cant really remember. the snowfight started up again. I was early off the boat and the people trying desperately to get accross the narrow gangplank made for easy targets so we gave them a pasting - and as the group on the bank got bigger so the missiles raining onto the stragglers getting off of the boat got progressively heavier. At one stage the "Bouncer" came out onto the gangplank to ask us to stop with the bombardment...but a well placed snowball hit him sqare in the mug and he just swore and stomped back inside ... he knew this was one fight he would never win.

The group then dispersed into smaller knots of incapacitated morons and everyone kind of went off to make eejits of themselves in different parts of the city. For those that know the city our group ended up in Chateux Rouge a skanky local place with an underground Dancefloor....

I was told we made it to the Hotel around 5:15 am on Saturday......

It was truly a night to remember ..... followed by a hangover to forget !!

Son in Laws ....

2006-03-02T13:34:00.000Z

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound
coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found
her
daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" She
exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my
parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming
sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his
daughter
naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and
This is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this
time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her
husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him on
the
Couch.
"What the hell are you doing?" She asked.
He replied, "Watching the cricket with my son-in-law."

Its a matter of TRUST !!

2006-03-02T13:26:00.000Z

Three tortoises Russell, Steve and Dave, decide to go on a picnic. So Dave packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Dave unpacks the food and beer...

"OK Russ give me the bottle opener." "I didn't bring it," says Russ. "I thought you packed it." Dave gets worried, He turns to Steve, "Did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally Steve didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Dave and Steve beg Russ to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Russ sets off down the road at a steady pace.

Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Dave and Steve are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Russell pops up from behind a rock and shouts........

"I KNEW IT!! YOU BASTARDS...I'M NOT F**KING GOING!"

Rindacella and the Buge Hall .....

2006-03-02T13:18:00.000Z

One of my all time favourites …….

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella
worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling
shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge,
and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible
huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had
tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let
Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She
turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with
six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise,

there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when
suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said
Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping
her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and
the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg
and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked
the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the
stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the

sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a
knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge
halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking
ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince
lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a
follen swanny.

Great Cricket Sledges ....

2006-02-28T12:33:00.000Z

The Greatest Cricketing sledges of all time..........

Things said that viewers are not aware of on the other side of the TV lenses....

1. Rod Marsh & Ian Botham: When Botham took guard in an Ashes match,
Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So hows
Your wife & my kids?"

2. Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne:As Cullinan was on his way to the
wicket, Warne told him he had Been waiting 2 years for another chance
to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

3. Glenn McGrath (bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo
Brandes):
"Hey Eddo, why are you so F**ing Fat?" Eddo Brandes: "Because
everytime I
F*** your mother, she throws me a biscuit"

4. Robin Smith & Merv Hughes:During 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to
Smith after he played & missed:"You can't f**king bat". Smith to
Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary: "Hey Merv, we make a fine
pair. I can't f**king bat & you can't f**king bowl."

5. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad:During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called
Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed:
"Tickets please", Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

6. Merv Hughes & Viv Richards:During a test match in the West Indies,
Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after
deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me.
In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed
him he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say f**k off."

7. And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment which
was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga
called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney...
"You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c**t!!!"

8. James Ormond had just come out to bat on an ashes tour and was
greeted by Mark Waugh....... MW : "F*ck me, look who it is. Mate, what
are you doing out here, there's no way you're good enough to play for
England" JO : "Maybe not, but at least i'm the best player in my family"

9. McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan: "So what does Brian Lara's d*ck taste
like?"
Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife." McGrath (losing it): "If you
ever F*&king mention my wife again, I'll F*ing rip your F*fing throat out."

10. Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player (Adam Parore)
comes to the crease playing & missing the first ball. Mark - "Ohh, I
remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were sh*t then,
you're fu*king useless now". Parore- (Turning around) "Yeah, that's me
& when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly sl*t & now I
hear you've married her. You dumb c*nt".

11. Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky Sri Lankan
batsman Arjuna Ranatunga the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the
batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump
character to get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy
piped up, "Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it."

12. Ravi shastri v/s the aussie 12th man (don't remember who, and
don't want to slander anyone ) shastri hits it to this guy and looks
for a single...this guy gets the ball in and says "if you leave the > crease i'll break your f***ing head" Shastri: "if you could bat as
well as you can talk you wouldn't be the f***ing 12th man"

13. Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and
missed a couple of times. Marshall : "Now David, Are you going to get
out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill
you?">

14. Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first
slip,and right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word.
At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises
sheepishly. "I should've kept my legs together, Fred". "So should your
mother" he replied.

Women Explained

2006-02-28T11:56:00.000Z

Gotta love this..... Shining example of the bare truth :-)

The BESTEST joke EVR !!

2006-02-24T15:57:00.000Z

If you dont get this one then you are missing something.......

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up! and says "Hey you!" The Monkey looksdown and says ..........................................

"Faaaaaaark dude....... like, how much water did you drink?!!"

Watch what you say...

2006-02-24T15:50:00.000Z

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many
years.

First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"
The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy,

"I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, "Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a
d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e
t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y
I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he
was almost married.

w..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e...r..e
s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r p..o..r..c..h a..n..d
t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g
h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r
t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d,
s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e. A..n..d
t..h..e..n.. s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i...n..g
i..n m..y f..a..c..e."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first
friend.

"W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l...o..w..l..y,
t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e
l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h...e
w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s!"

The root of Road rage....

2006-02-24T15:26:00.000Z

Some of the words here will be "SouthAfricanisms", but Im sure you will get the drift of things...
A taxi , by definition is any people carrier liscenced to take 12 passengers but normally carrying at least 20. The steering wheels are removed so the driver can scoot up close to the dash and get more passengers in..... They make for spectacular accidents.

Take time to read this and please don't mind some of the language! It is brilliantly written and I think this guy should be knighted, whoever he is!!! More drivers need to fight the scourge of the lawless taxi drivers. The author deserves an award for this! His name calling talent is truly inspiring and we have all been a party to the experience............

This morning, yours truly, decided to sneak in a pinch of top-secret and highly professional canoe training at Emmerentia dam, before the first farts of the sparrows could escape their imprisoning sphincters, and even before the glories-of-mornings of most non-gay South African men could rise to view the possible prospects of "before work" swims. Yep, I was up and onto that little patch of water before sunrise, tearing around it at record-breaking pace, sneaking in a wee bit of pre-Duzi training in order to wrestle the crown away from the well slow and soft Martin Dreyer (present Duzi champion, for those of you not in the intellectual canoe mix) next time around. Anyway, the details of my incredible canoe talent are not up for discussion here, but rather what happened on my drive home after the session, in rush hour traffic and, in particular, on Jan Smuts Avenue near to the Old Parktonian sports club around 8am. I was happily chilling in my car, cruising along at about 60kph, in pretty much bumper-to-bumper traffic, with nobody going anywhere any faster; it was simply not an option. Well, not an option for anyone with a brain, with an ounce of logic within their crania, with a drop of sense inside the membranes of their cerebral hemispheres. You'd think that a creature without a brain would equate to a fly or less, a category that includes mosquitoes, stones, anvils and......taxi drivers.
Yep,enter Sipho "I'm a d_ckhead without a brain cell" Ndlovo, driver of a Toyota Hi-Ace with 4 wheels, 1 brake pad, no lights, half a steering wheel, about 30 people inside and 3 masking-taped windows, yep, standard issue for a South African taxi driver.
He had more than likely participated in the demonstration march last month with hundreds of other taxi driver idiots protesting about having had their 'vehicles' impounded for not being roadworthy. The rocket-scientists couldn't understand what wasn't roadworthy about a taxi with a bobejaan spanner for a steering wheel, or one without brakes (they reckon a handbrake is just as good as the foot brake pedal). Anyway, my mate Sipho decided things weren't flowing fast enough for him so started weaving in and out of the traffic, arm hanging out of his window like a baboon's tail hanging from its ring piece. I heard this aeronautical engineer-like taxi driver coming from about 5 cars back, because everyone was hooting and slamming on brakes to avoid the accident that he was trying his damnest to cause. After he narrowly missed the back of my canoe as he swerved in behind me I made a stubborn little vow that he definitely wouldn't be cutting in front of me like that, and so began the fun and games.
The bum-wart first tried the standard tactic of intimidation, just gradually cutting me off, in the typical "you'd better slow down and let me in, or I'll crash into you" method. Well, I used the typical "F_ck you faeces-brain" tactic, with one hand on the hooter, the other pointing straight at him, with my foot firmly on the accelerator, until he backed down like Mike Catt had done in 1995 when Jonah Lomu ran straight over him. This had a snowball effect, which had me chuckling the whole way back to my humble abode. Syphilis-face then decided to put all his well acquired driving skill to the test and adopted the smartest technique of them all, the "Eish, I weel ovah-take on the wrong side" method, one that sadly has caused numerous accidents in the past, including the untimely death of one of our awesome mates, Mike Short, a year ago. This made old Maccatini madder than a spitting cobra with a red hot cactus lodged up its rectum. No skin off the f_cking taxi drivers nose, he just accelerated more, and tried to cut in front of the double-cab in front of me, this after he had hooted at me and showed me a middle finger accompanied with a few swearwords, something that made me want to beat him harder than Campbell hit the gay boy who stabbed him repeatedly with a pen all those years ago! Well, the fella in front of me had obviously also been observing the proceedings, and likewise refused to let Sipho Dickdribble Ndhlovo in so the acceleration by the monkey continued, while he tried his hardest to outstare the double-cab driver. Sadly for the nuclear physicist the emergency lane was shortly going to end, with a solid stone pavement to mark its ending.
More sadly for him was the fact that he, and his 30-odd passengers were all trying their damnest to "intimidate by staring" myself and the double-cab man, instead of watching the road ahead something that most brain-owners do when driving.
I saw it coming, and was smiling my full-tusk smile even before they hit!! Anal-bum-wart hit that pavement at about 70kph, 31 passengers bumped their heads on the roof of the Hi-Ace in poetic unison, adding an extra 31 dents to the already-f_cked minibus, and the two front wheels were ripped off the chassis as the bus slid to a delightful halt. Thankfully no passengers were hurt, which made it the most fantastic thing to witness. Sadly though, Sipho, arm still hanging out of the window,was also unscathed. However, his car was more f_cked than that prostitute at PE harbour named Deloris, and his mood was somewhat down-trodden. I hooted and made sure he got the full-frontal of my biggest-ever super smile, as did the driver of the double-cab, and then to my absolute joy, looked in my mirror to see every driver behind me doing exactly the same!
The brain-cell-lacker had received his well-earned treatment! I was happier than Hudders when he passed his board, or at least as happy!! So folks, what a peachy morning it has been so far. The sun is shining, it's Friday, I've done my training, Long Tom Roodt is back in the country, there will be a lot of thirst quenched this weekend, and Sipho, Faeces-face Ndlovo is one mini-bus short of a taxi! Now that is justice....!

Looking for a date ?

2006-02-24T15:16:00.000Z

APPLICATION TO TAKE MY DAUGHTER ON A DATE

1. All applications must be accompanied by: 5kg (or more) biltong, 12 bottles KWV Roodeberg, 12 bottles 10year KWV brandy, 1 case Heineken & a fully paid hunting safari of 14 days in Kenya for 4 persons.

2. This application will be seen as incomplete (and will automatically be unsuccessful) should the following not be attached:

- detailed financial statements for the past 3 years

- school & university history (not technicon, college or any other)

- work history

- family history for the last 200 years ( Anglo Boere-oorlog hensoppers, Joiners en Vermyders can give up right now)

- drivers licence history

- full medical check-up signed by a qualified doctor and psychiatrist

NAME:_______________________

SURNAME:______________________(any animal names on the previous question will lead to an unsuccessful application)

DATE OF BIRTH:___________________________ SCHOOL AVERAGE:____________________________

HEIGHT:____________________ WEIGHT:___________________________

I.D No:____________________________________ I.Q:____________________________

DRIVERS LICENCE:_____________________________

BOYS SCOUT RANK (CURRENT) AND COURSES COMPLETED:

_________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS:______________________

TOWN/CITY:_________________________

CODE:_______________________________

DO YOU HAVE ONE MALE AND ONE FEMALE PARENT?_________________

IF NO; EXPLAIN:

________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________

HOW MANY YEARS HAVE THEY BEEN MARRIED?

________________________________________________________________________________________

IF LESS THAN YOUR AGE; EXPLAIN:

________________________________________________________________________________________

DO YOU OWN:

A COMBI?______________

A FORD SIERRA?_____________

ANY OTHER VEHICLE WITH A WING,ALLOY WHEELS OR ANY NON STANDARD TRIMMING?_________________

A WATERBED?________________

A BAKKIE WITH A MATTRESS IN THE BACK?______________

CONDOMS?__________________

ANY PORNOGRAPHY?__________________

DO YOU WEAR A NOSE RING, EAR RING OR BELLY RING?________________

DO YOU HAVE A TATTOO?________________

SHOULD YOU HAVE ANSWERED YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE QUESTIONS, DO NOT CONTINUE WITH THIS QUESTIONNAIRE (for your

own safety) EVACUATE THE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY.

IN 50 WORDS OR LESS; EXPLAIN WHAT "LATE" MEANS:

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

IN 50 WORDS OR LESS; EXPLAIN WHAT THE FOLLOWING WORDS MEAN TO YOU: "DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER!"

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

IN 50 WORDS OR LESS WHAT DO YOU UNDERSTAND UNDER NON ALCOHOLIC?

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

IN LESS THAN 10 WORDS, WHAT DOES CASTRATE MEAN?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"GENADE DOOD?"

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

IN NOT LESS THAN 5000 WORDS EXPLAIN WHAT DOES THE TERM "MAKING OUT" MEANS TO YOU.

(use your own f#&*@ paper and attach it to your application)

NAME AND ADDRESS OF THE CHURCH YOU'RE ATTENDING

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

HOW OFTEN DO YOU ATTEND?_______________________

WHAT IS THE BEST TIME TO QUESTION THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE?

FATHER:______________________ PASTOR/PRIEST:______________________

MOTHER:_____________________ PAROLE OFFICER:______________________

LAST THREE GIRLFRIENDS:_____________________________________________

WILL YOUR PARENTS VOLUNTARY AGREE TO GENETIC TESTS OR WOULD ANESTHETIC DARTS BE REQUIRED?

____________________________________________________________________________________

DO YOU HAVE ANY OBJECTIONS TO SEARCHING YOU, YOUR VEHICLE, HOLE, CAGE OR THE THING WHERE YOU LIVE?

____________________________________________________________________________________

COMPLETE THE FOLLOWING SENTENCES. (answers will be confidential)

A. IN CASE I AM SHOT, I WOULD NOT WANT IT TO BE IN/ON MY________________________

B. IN THE CASE THAT I AM BEING HIT, I WOULDN'T WANT THIS BONES TO BE BROKEN:____________________________

C. A WOMAN'S PLACE IS IN THE ______________________________

D. THE ONE QUESTION I HOPE IS NOT IN THIS QUESTIONNAIRE:________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

E. THE FIRST THING I NOTICE ABOUT A WOMAN WHEN I MEET HER FOR THE FIRST TIME IS:________________________

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

NOTE: Should your previous answer start with a B. A. or V STOP immediately and leave NOW. When leaving the premises, run in s'es with your head

low.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BECOME SHOULD YOU GROW UP?

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

WHAT ARE THE CURRENT RATES FOR HOTEL ROOMS?____________________________

CONDOMS ARE SOLD IN PACKAGES OF: ( please tick one)

A. 3

B. 6

C. 9

D. 12

E. All of the above

HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?__________________________________________________

HEREWITH I SOLEMNLY SWEAR THAT ALL THE ABOVE INFORMATION IS CORRECT AND TRUE. INCORRECT INFORMATION MAY (will/can)

LEAD TO DEATH, CASTRATION, LOST OF LIMBS, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, RED HOT IRON MARKING, ANT INFESTATION IN THE REAR

END AND/OR CHINESE WATER TORTURE.

_______________________________

Signature ( That's your name idiot)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 - 6 years for processing. You will be notified in writing if your application was excepted.

Please do not attempt to make any contact via telephone, electronic mail, in writing, mail pigeon, smoke signs or sign language. (IT COULD HAVE

SEVERE CONSEQUENCES) Should your application be unsuccessful two gentlemen in black suits with white ties and violin cases will

personally deliver the message.

Antipodean rivalry....

2006-02-18T14:45:00.000Z

FOR ALL THE ANTI-AUSIES
>
> London Zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla.
> Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very
> horny and
> difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo
> veterinarian
> determined the problem. The gorilla was on heat. To
> make matters
> worse, there were no male gorillas of the species
> available.
>
> While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management
> noticed
> Brilly, a big Aussie lad, responsible for fixing the
> Zoo's machinery.
> Brilly, like most Aussies, had little sense, but
> seemed to be
> possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of
> ANY species.
> So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a
> solution.
>
> Brilly was approached with a proposition. Would he be
> willing to
> have sex with the gorilla for $500? Brilly showed some
> interest, but
> said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
> The following
> day, Brilly announced that he would accept their
> offer, only under
> three conditions:
>
> > "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her."
> >
> > "Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
> >
> The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these
> conditions, so they
> asked what was his third condition.
>
> "Well," said Brilly, "You gotta give me another week
> to come up with the $500."
>

Two for the price of one.....

2006-02-17T13:42:00.000Z

This is so easy..... If you dont know what im talking about , read my previous post..... So here goes again....
Dont forget to score .........

Memorandum
MOD Form 4
(Revised 9/89)

To:

From:

All Al Queda Fighters

Bin Laden, Osama

Date
20 Nov 02

( Number

Your Reference

Our Reference

Subject:
THE CAVE

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning roster - have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the shit out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "OssyOssyOssy, Oy Oy Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Five: Grafitti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F**KS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkey's there is a grey area.)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots,

Group Hug. Os.

PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.

So Im a lazy Shmuck....

2006-02-17T12:45:00.000Z

Ok, I have finally decided that i will make regular contributions to my blogsite, cos up till now i have been kinda lazy and it takes too long, and Im a technophobe and, and and.......etc ad nauseum.
So I have figured a way around this little problem. I seem to be a hub for all the jokes in cyberspace. Everyday I get in more jokes than I can shake a stick at. Not that I mind cos I LOVE to laugh....so, I have decided to dedicat my blog space to the best of the crop. Now my choice might not be so funny to you but they sure as hell are to me and also .... I dont really care too much as long as someone has a laugh ( even if it is only me).Some are jokes others are just funny occurrances that happen out there.

You can score them out of ten with a comment .

So here goes .....

..........................................................................................................................................................................

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing, I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than
3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles?
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock, Tommy

.........................................................................................................................................................................

Now THATS FUNNY !! Im ashamed to say that I once tried a similar thing and it aint funny at the time, but I still get the shakes just remembering.... :-)

Getting the message across first time

2005-12-23T10:09:00.000Z

So, last night the time finally arrived for me to perform a duty that I was a little hesitant to do. The obligatory "Take your clients and their staff out for Xmas drinks...." Now, In fairness, the guys have busted their humps for me this year and we all made happy profits, so it was something that had to be of fitting proportion. We all met up at the Q bar in Dublin City Center with an eye to having a few pre-dinner drinks. After Dinner the lads wanted to trawl the bars in the area for "sports". 8 men - 2 forty somethings and the rest were twenty somethings......
The credit card came out and a "Tab" was opened at the bar........ Pre dinner drinks became dinner, and we never got to After dinner .......
"Sports" was everywhere !! Dublin goes completely daft at this time of the year and the women seem to be worst.
The unattached women take on an Air of desperation at not having someone to spend Xmas and New Year with - the married one seem to forget they have husbands and they actually start to hunt in Packs !!
A lone female around 23 years old walked up to our group of very boisterous guys and Introduced herself as follows...: " Hi, My name is Niamh (Neeve), and I am from Port Laoise (Port Leesh). I have just gotten off of the night bus and am here in Dublin to get laid tonite! I have to get the bus home tomorrow, so do any of you live close by ?" Talk about getting your message across first time .....

An interesting night it was indeed. Talk about wierdo's comming out of the woodwork ! Credit Card is kind of melted now that I look at it !

Ever get caught Lurking ?

2005-12-22T12:18:00.000Z

I have been extremely lazy of late and havent even thought about posting. I find it so much easier lurking around reading the hard work you guys put into your blogs. Also, Im a bit of a technophobe/eejit - so when i see all the pretty and clever pictures you all manage to put up accompanying the interesting and humour filled posts i reckon.... rather than bring down the tone of the whole blogspot, i would rather sneak from blog to blog just trying to find out why my other half is screeching with laughter, or scowling like a caged feline.... Mostly though ... why she spends a whole day typing away at a computer , only to arrive home and fire up the one here and camp on it like she is on Gaurd Duty.
Now dont get me wrong, she is a REALLY good Guard !! Not ONE blog comment sneaks past her !! She could be employed as the Blog police !! In Fact she could Train the Blog Police !!.....
I ,on the other hand (being the lazy sod that I am) prefer to play the latest shoot-em-up computer game or watch the gogglebox. I lurk when Im really at a loss for something to do . Anyway, I was lurking today and came across Ben O's blog about Lurkers . A lot of you were wondering what they are and why they do it..... So this is for you . " Hi My Name is Bosbefok..... and Im a Lurker ! " .......(waiting to hear the standard Reply !......)

Tagged ...

2005-11-14T17:56:00.000Z

Ok, so Delboy finally got me, tagged by the tag fairy...

1. I am a Leo and am pretty true to form there.... I am an unusually bouncy morning person, which bugs the crap out of my other half who is fondly known as the "yak" in the mornings.
2. I am a classist - I detest having to share my space with other people who are ill mannered, stupid , have no social conscience , have opninions that are too strong to debate, or are scum...
3. I suffer from road rage .
4. I figure that most things can be fixed by one of 3 things - more guinness, more sex, or a bullet.
5. I REFUSE to be bullied. By bosses, cops, muggers or anyone higher up the food chain than me. I figure we are all just people and when it comes to the crunch we all have a place in the scheme of things (even if it is just a bullet stop.)
6. I ALWAYS support the underdog in Sport. I am especially protective of girls/women and have ended up in more than a few fraca's defending what I assume is someones honour.... ?
7. I love things that go "BANG"
8. I laugh a lot.
9. Im not really bound by most rules .....
10. I HATE the cold.

Right, thats my lot.
I have had a lot of fun reading everones taggs but am not much of a contributer....

Bloggers book ?

2005-10-24T20:36:00.000+01:00

Someone wanted a beginning to a story and to Prove Im not an Ignoramus .... I scribbled the following - Now its up to someone else to take the story over and write the next chapter....
Let me know who has it so i can keep tabs on it pls .....It could be fun.

"So this is who all the fuss is about" thought Dave as he sidled up to the crowded table in the Smokey bar just off Main, on a miserable Friday evening. She stood near the head of the table in the top corner surrounded by a throng of male would be admirers. She was definitely a looker he decided... Tall, good figure and a head of curly hair that drew attention to her clear eyes and wide smile. His mates hadn't even noticed his entrance - so wrapped up were they in whatever it was she was saying...

He turned to the bar tender and asked for a beer. When it eventually arrived he took a long pull at it still keeping his eyes on the woman in the corner that seemed to hold his mates as a captive audience. Every few minutes there was an approving roar of laughter that indicated that they were still mesmerized by her Cobra - like enchantment.

This was a rarity in this neck of the woods. These were the same guys that sat around the same table every Friday and told the same type of jokes and anecdotes week in and week out.... It wasn't often that a newcomer was admitted to their ranks and even more seldom was it that a newcomer could commandeer so much attention. It wasn't that she was stunningly beautiful or provocatively dressed, it seemed to be that she was just really confident and possessed a natural inner strength that drew people to her. This was the second Friday evening she had spent amongst the guys in the corner. She had just breezed in the previous Friday evening and sort of taken hold of them without so much as a single protestation.

Having not been in town the previous week , I had heard all about her from the group during the week. It was Jessy this .... and Jessy that.... "Who the hell is Jessy ? " I kept asking myself . It was time to find out he thought pushing himself away from the counter ....

When Irish eyes are smiling ....

2005-10-07T14:04:00.000+01:00

For any of you that have ever been to ireland you will REALLY appreciate the following........and for those that havent..... you wouldnt believe how close to the truth this is !! :-)

Mick appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire"
and
towards the end of the programme had already won €500,000.

"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "but for €1

million you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question...will you have a go?"
"Ahhhh ....Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"OK. The question is, which of the following birds does NOT build its
own nest?

(a) Robin, (b) Sparrow, (c) cuckoo, or (d) thrush."

"To be sure......I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline and
phone
my friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon."

Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the
question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple... it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick. "I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, "I'll go with da
Cuckoo
as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked the host.

"To be sure ...Dat it is, Sir."

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is
the
correct answer! Mick, you've won €1 million!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a
drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the Cuckoo that
doesn't build its own nest? I mean you know fook-all about birds."

"Ah bejaaysus!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a fookin' Cuckoo lives
in
a clock!" :-)

Where have all the sales people gone ?

2005-10-06T13:50:00.000+01:00

How often do you go out to buy something and end up returning home without it ? Now I hear all the ladies going..."I ALWAYS find SOMETHING to buy ! " Thats not what I'm getting at.
Did you ever want a specific Item and end up not getting it cos you didnt have someone to push you that last millimeter ? (The millimeter between thinking "I REALLY need this" and the thought of " Can I REALLY afford this ! ")
Back home, I remember getting almost mugged as you entered a store by some young salesperson brimming with enthusiasm who would bend over backwards to help convince you that you absolutely MUST buy the item right now before their are none left in the entire world !!
Anyway, here on the Emerald Isle it seems to be different...........
You have to almost PROVE to the sales person that you have an absolute need of the item and then you almost have to offer them twice what its worth before they will get off their fat ass and serve you !!
I spent almost 2 years trying to buy a Motorbike from a dealer here.... I went in to them nearly every week and looked at the same bike and asked the twat what the price was every time...
He never once got off his ass from behind the counter or tried to engage me in conversation around biking or anything... The bike sat on his floor for the entire time and it was an expensive one ! I was always well dressed in Suit and Tie, so he could see I wasnt just another tyre-kicker.

I went on to buy the same type of Bike privately for cash. I had to get Helmets and jackets etc from another Bike shop too - which was like getting blood from a stone !

Once I had all the stuff I needed , I had to get insurance for the Bike..... Well , I only got that today after almost 3 months of begging!! The bike is a really powerful one, so it falls in a category of "Only for Experts" here in Ireland. (Seems dumb to me !)

I had to do a 3 day advanced Biking course (which I got squashed into 3 hours and passed) , and then they Quoted me insurance cover for €4000 per year (Over the phone) !!

I thought...... " F**** this for a game of skittles!!" So I marched down to the Insurance office, in my work power suit and thumped the table until an embarrassed young lady came shyly out from behind a partition like a timid mouse.... Then I proceeded to tell her exactly what I thought. I produced the results of the Advanced riders test and demanded to see the person in Charge !!
She bolted and returned with another ladywho was closer to me in age (older than 19). To cut a long story short , I walked away with a smile on my face and a sense of accomplishment !

The price I ended up paying ....? €825 per year ! (from €4000! )

I am a sales person in a way myself and just have to wonder how things ever find their way off the shelves here............

A Pair of Venitian Blinds..

2005-09-23T16:29:00.000+01:00

The weary travellers have returned. The gifts bought back by the sack load. The money spent. The hangover deserved ! The ball and chain is now nagging me to put up an account of the adventure…….
But you know what ? I aint gonna !
Partly coz Im lazy and partly coz my memory is shot…… What I can tell you is this….:
We left Dublin to go to Venice, the plane was delayed so we went to the pub for a few ………. We got to Somewhere (Marco Polo Airport) that wasn’t Venice very late at night. We got a bus from there to somewhere else where there were “Water Busses” . We got one of them and spent 2 hours puttering across water to another place ( I think it was Murano) . We nearly got off there coz nobody told us not to , but decided to see where else it would go. After getting some directions from another traveller we waited the trip out until we were dropped in Venice at St Marco’s Square. Must have been quite a popular guy this Marco chap……His name was all over the place….. Anyway, There was WATER EVERYWHERE !! Must have been high tide…..
Not seeing any cars or busses we figured we would bum a lift on a boat thingy…(Vapperetto?) Loads of other people must have heard we were cool cos they joined us on our boat….. Some poor guy asked us for 5 bucks each , and then gave us a small piece of paper with weird writing on it and told us it was valuable for 1 and a half hours…. Must have been a thankyou note….
The boat driver was quite considerate and stopped a bunch of times so we could take pictures and some people got off and just never came back ? Daft !
I spotted a name on a building that looked a lot like one on our map so we got off and we found some non flooded streets, so I figured this was a LOT safer to negotiate… After a short walk and a few 50/50 decisions we saw a restaurant. I figured the people in there MUST know how to speak the funny language on my hotel booking thingy…. I asked the woman …” Hi-o ! Do You Know-o the whereabouts of this hotel-o ? She looked at me and her eyes lit up and I thought I was in !! But she went right past me and back out onto the street . I was just about to try my second attempt at my slightly rusty Italian when she flung out one arm and pointed to a wall 4 foot from where I stood. Was it luck or a higher being that had guided me from one side of the world to the other – right up to the point I should have gotten to - and then cruelly turned me to the wrong side of the road ?
So I thought to Myself ……. “ Myself…..You got here so… !” – Much against the beliefs of the Nay-sayers back home in Ireland ( You Know Who !) Someone that I know ,who is the most organised person ever (read "worse than Monica" in FRIENDS) said “ Are you sure you will be ok ? Have you got your passport ? Have you got your toothbrush? Have you got your……” You get where Im going.
Anyway to celebrate the fact we had made it, we went and found a Pub for a few more …… Things got hazy from there and next thing I know it’s a new day !
Twas a great day. Sun shone, went shopping , Saw stuff , Realized the boats were taxis, the tide was always that high, my Italian was rustier than I remembered…..
We ended up back at the hotel after seeing all the touristy stuff . Being hungry I decided it was time to to hit on the lass that so sweetly helped us (From the resturant across the road) the night before, It had started to P*ss down with rain….I mean REALLY Hose down ! That Higher being must have just finished his bath cos Venice was just below his plughole !
Just what Venice needs I thought – More WATER !!
We dashed across the street and swam into the restaurant. We got stuck into a liter of “Wino de Cassa” which went down quite well. Things were getting misty by the time we finished our meal – must have had something to do with all the rain… Not wanting to miss out on the exotic Nightlife we tramped upstream to a little Wine Bar. Now, I am not so good at drinking wine at the best of times ….. The “ Chateau de Callapso” we started drinking in the wine bar made the mist a LOT worse…. So we figured it would be prudent to wander out into the night again. This time we went with the tide and kinda floated down towards an Irish Pub I had spotted earlier. This is where things got a bit messy.
The barman working in the irish Bar in Venice turned out to be the guy who used to serve me in my “Local pub” 50 meters from my front door in Jolly old Ireland…..
Needless to say many, Large ,free, beers found their way down my neck at an alarming rate of knots courtesy of "my new best Mate" and then I mentioned to some woman (who had just ,that day, gotten engaged that day on a Gondola) that ….” Eye-o just love-o Sambucca –o !” Hic !
Too many of those later , the pub closed and she asked us to join her and her new “feeyansay” in a stroll down to the nightclub down the road/lake/river…
The mist was REALLY thick now, but being the never-say-die person that I am ,I agreed…. I think I relinquished control of my navigational equipment and stability platform around then …. I danced up a storm ( read –“Frog in Blender-o”). My Loving sister must have got me home coz next thing I knew it was day again.
The mist had been replaced by what can only be described as the “Fog of War! “ The whole day went past as though I was swimming in treacle, we did some stuff….
That night though, we were back on the lash and The trip home wasn’t really too eventful. I was tired of walking , tired of water, tired of booze and smoking, - I wanted my own bed with someone in it that I didn’t have to speak to in Italian-o . ... :-)
Oh look ...! She got her wish and I did it !! 

Balls of Steel !

2005-09-13T12:36:00.000+01:00

OK, so here is one that was sent to me by a mate. It could be an Urban Myth but it really appeals to my sence of humor and revenge....

MASTERCARD wedding

You gotta love this guy.....

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson
University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno talked
about it on television .

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a
microphone to talk to the crowd.

He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long
distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to
thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for
providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a
special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair,
including the wedding party,was a manila envelope. He said this was his
gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each
manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best
man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a
private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a
couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!".
Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after
finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as
if nothing were wrong.

His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300
guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and
best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of
this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
friends.......................................$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the
occasion......................................................$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in
Maui....................................................$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
humping the best man........Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's
MASTERCARD.

Brilliant Innit ?

Times to remember ....

2005-09-09T13:35:00.000+01:00

After reading and leaving a comment on Buddess' latest post it reminds me of some of the really bizzare things we have done over the years...... And then kind of find it hard to think about future dicipline for my kids when they eventually get out of hand....
Apart from the Biking stories (and there are enough to fill a medium sized book...)I was once part of a very pleasure orientated crowd of people who got up to some really off the wall incidents.....
We were young and fresh out of college/Army ..... beer was cheap and wine even cheaper....
everyone who was anyone had a VW campervan or "Fucktruck" and we all were into surfing , paddle skiing or submarines...
Now, I hear you all saying SUBMARINES ?? What the ..??
OK, some of our mates joined the Sub Corps when we all went off to do our military stints. These guys were the heart of our crowd cos they were a bit (read a LOT here!)
nuts/crazy/looney/from other planets.....
Meester Firr (Mr Firr - short for Kaffir)was the worst. He invited us all around to his spot to watch the RUGBY one Saturday afternoon... Meesis Firr (his other half) was sent out to buy more beer and a case of "Captain" (Morgan Rum) at half time cos she was the only one not absolutely paralytic at the time...
Meester Firr (who is only scared of one thing in the world...-you guessed it ....Mrs Firr), decides to show us a " trick ". He digs around in the back of the couch and comes up with a 1000 foot Flare ..... the kind you shoot into the sky to attract ships when youre stranded or in trouble.....
Immediately I realize we are heading for the afore - mentioned "Trouble"....
In a room that is about 4 meters by 5 meters and covered with a deep pile "shaggy type " Carpet , Mr Firr sets off the flare...
So, ..You have 6 or 7 really pissed men , a roof that is only about 8 foot above the ground , and a flare designed to go up 1000 foot and then explode into a brilliant white light dangling from a small parachute.....
Even using your wildest imagination , I still doubt you could come up with the scene that ensued ....
Outside on the lawn after diving through a broken window about 3/4's of a nano second after the 1000 foot explosion - and puking (mostly though our noses) from the smoke/fumes and excess alcohol, eyes watering and absolutely Screeching with Laughter ....we all collapsed. When the worst was over and Mr Firr finally lurched out still carrying the Fire extinguisher dribbling foam.....we started to worry about the imminent return of Mrs Firr....
It wasnt long after Mr firr decided to fire up the lawnmower (to "trim the carpet a bit")
that I remembered I had to be somewhere .... and lit outta there...
The rest of the story was the stuff of legends.... and I will save it for another day.
If I remember I will also retell the story of the ships anchor being dragged through Cape townbehind a large 4X4 by a clueless Mrs Firr....

Stealing never felt so good...

2005-08-31T11:50:00.000+01:00

So there I was, working away this morning when I heard (Quite Loudly) the sound of a cash register …. Shortly followed by a wailing siren….. A colleague over the partition went puce in colour and quickly fiddled with his laptop. I stood up and declared “ Youre a drug dealer and youre playing Dope wars !!”. the rest of the office looked at me as if I had gone nuts !!
My outburst was a kind of knee jerk reaction – cos once you have played Dope wars ( a simple - but hugely addictive pc game freely downloadable) you will never forget the sounds associated with the intense frustration of building up a sackload of cash by dealing all these different drugs in all the dodgiest spots around the world only to be chased by the cops and bitten by dogs and getting mugged on the underground and ending up having to borrow cash from a loan shark with a weird name to pay another loan shark with an even weirder name before his goons visit you with a chainsaw …..or throw you out the 3rd story window of your apartment !!
A most enjoyable way of spending a few minutes while waiting to do something else. The big problem arises when you find yourself still battling the odds at 3am , with dry eyes and aching shoulder muscles ….. and the thing you were going to do now has to be done another day…..
This is especially true with my latest game “Call of Duty” I spend my life keeping the world safe from the onslaught of the Krauts only to have the map change and a wave of pesky Russians trying to oust me from my comfortable homeland 
Online gaming ……. Time thief, stolen moments that feel great !!

Are we who we are ?

2005-08-25T18:15:00.000+01:00

Are we what we are now ?

That may seem like a strange/stupid question, But is it really ?
I have been wrestling with this question most of my adult life.
Ever since I can remember I have always privately thought of
myself as someone that I am not in my daily life.
I was brought up in a reasonably structured yet controlled lifeslyle.
My folks always strived to give us the best chance at happy and
productive life, and even though they split when we were quite young
and my mother departed from this life prematurely, my formative years
were pretty much moulded by the instincts and teachings passed on to me
by them at an early age.
I lost my brother to the current crimewave that is sweeping the African continent
and life hasn't always been a bed of roses, but I feel that I have done reasonably
well so far.
I have had a failed marriage, but have two fantastic kids that are very
well adjusted and a pleasure to be around and I always get glowing reports from
people they interact with so I count myself very blessed even though I miss them terribly now as they stay with their mom. I am now remarried to a
fantastic person who after 10 years remains my best and most trustworthy friend.

I am not poor by any means and have been successful at almost everything I have
ever turned my hand to. I am doing very well at my current job and have enjoyed the
benefits and accolades bestowed on me by the company I work for.
Many people I know and some family members have the opinion that I always seem to
"fall with my bum in the butter" referring to the fact (I suppose) that I always seem to
end up on my feet on success street.

I often wonder if they stop to think that this might not always be the case. I struggled
with the loss of my mother and shortly afterwards lost my step dad whom I was very fond of.
They both passed on within a year of each other and it left a huge hole in my life at the time.
Luckily I have a sister with whom I have a very strong bond. She sort of took on the role of
surrogate mother even though she is the youngest. She still is probably the closest person
I have on earth next to my wife. I did more than my allotment of military service in a mix of roles
always closest to the heat. I saw and did things I still don't repeat today to anyone (my wife and sister included).
I was given a nick name (among many) of "Chameleon" by some of the men I served with due to my
unconscious ability to blend in to a number of roles and scenarios without detection.
But it seems now to be in a life that is a closed book or a chapter that I am finished reading.
So both my early years and my military years form part of a life that are filed away.

Yet deep down, in the recesses of my mind I find myself wrestling with the label of Chameleon.....
I have always thought of myself as a thinly disguised top tier predator. Always able, if the need arose,
to take what I want whenever I want it with reasonable impunity. Maybe that helps me in my daily
life and improves my chances of success greatly to the extent that it looks like I always land on
my feet and on "Easy Street" . I must admit I very seldom use this trait as it scares me to wield this
internal force. It just seems the easy/lazy way to move foreword and yes, I am a lazy person by nature.
Yet to the rest of the world I'm the happy go lucky guy that always
manages to fit in and say the right thing at the right time, who very seldom blows up at anything and is
always on an even keel, who always rises to the top....
Internally I seethe at the circumstances that have colluded to force me into this predicament. I am living
as a person that I know I'm not, yet I am beginning to come to terms with it and am creating a safety
zone that I know I will eventually succumb to.
I have no delusions though that if the need arises , I would be able to drag out the predator again and shake off
the camouflage - I am also under no illusion that while the mindset is there, the middle aged body might
not be up to its once finely tuned abilities :-)

So, in closing I return to my question..... are we who we are now, or are we what our current circumstances dictate ?

The Twins...

2005-08-24T19:49:00.000+01:00

What is it about the twins....?
OK, so they are sometimes identical, sometimes not so identical.
The sure are nice though !! I was speaking to a woman and she referred to her boobs as "The Twins". Now, I am a self confessed boob-man. I dont really know what it is that makes them so attractive, but nearly every man I know has a thing for them.
Is it because we dont really have a set to contend with, or is it a deep seated Freudian thing ? There is a quip that goes....... How do you make a pound of fat look good ? Stick a nipple on it !!
There are good twins and bad ones I suppose..... the ones that point North seem to be better than those facing South I reckon. But even the perkier ones eventually head South for hibernation in the Autumn years. In my reckoning they are great playthings. Good for warming a cold set of ears on cold winter nights (or a lucky pair of hands!):-)
And why is it women have a thing for Bums ? Everyone has one of those ..... I figure they like 'em cos its a great place to grab when the twins are covered by a hairy chest ? I dunno, just seems a bit nuts. Talking of those.... they dont seem to be very popular with the ladies ( I can kinda understand that - not as pleasing to the eyes as a nice set of legs or swanlike neck or ..... you guessed it - a happy set of Twins !)
And yet we arent really allowed to have a good appreciating look at them without getting an earful (of usually fiesty words). It really is most tempting though, and when they get dressed up in a good Sheepdog Bra (rounds them up and points them in the right direction)they are almost impossible to ignore !! Damn it really is a quandry.......
All in all though ..... I find I am always more interested in a woman with a good Carriage (ie she holds herself up straight with her chin up) and can look you in the eye. It normally involves keeping her shoulders back which ..... yes you guessed it - gives the twins a good look at the world !!
It is then that we get pinged for Talking to their Chest ! It sure is a quandry and I think it might just be another one of their many weapons they have at their disposal in their ever-present quest for appreciation.
So....we are damned when we do - and we are damned when we dont !!
What is it with the twins ?

First time for everything.....

2005-08-22T15:05:00.000+01:00

So, this is it........ After hearing nothing but Blog this and blog that for the past four months from my other half, i thought I could give it a bash to prove im not so thick afterall..... Now being the kinda person I am, there was no way I was going to ask her how the damn things work (especially after the slagging i constantly give her about it). So here i am (a complete techno pleb) giving it a stab. I must say , I dont really know what I am expecting to happen , but as they say.... "Nothing ventured nothing gained !"
I know my spelling usually sux and my grammar can probably do with some work but what the hell....
I am having a terribly hard time today ...., ya see, my mate who is an Aussie ( Hi Skippy) has gone home for a 2 week holiday from Ireland where we are both Foreigners...... He says its to go to a wedding but i know better.... The Bugger is hiding from the terrible sledging he deserves.
Not too long ago I was the constant butt of many a joke related to the dismal state of South African Rugby........ How crap we were . Were we ever any good or was the rest of the world just duped into thinking we knew how to play? Etc Etc......
So when we won the Tri-Nations series last year the debate REALLY began to flow (with many stinging rebukes from me). Then we lost to Ireland and England and anyone else we happened apon which didnt help my cause much. Back to the drawing board it was for me and I took all the flack they threw at me with a bowed head and a heavy Heart mumbling things like " Feck off ya eejit!" or "We will be back to kick your smelly butts shortly" You get the drift....

Well, now is my moment of Glory and the twat has gapped it back home to hide in Australia till the storm has blown over !! Three times we beat them ....IN A ROW !!! Home and Away !!
If we can only do the All Blacks this weekend They wont hear the end of me......