Are we who we are ?

Are we what we are now ?

That may seem like a strange/stupid question, But is it really ?
I have been wrestling with this question most of my adult life.
Ever since I can remember I have always privately thought of
myself as someone that I am not in my daily life.
I was brought up in a reasonably structured yet controlled lifeslyle.
My folks always strived to give us the best chance at happy and
productive life, and even though they split when we were quite young
and my mother departed from this life prematurely, my formative years
were pretty much moulded by the instincts and teachings passed on to me
by them at an early age.
I lost my brother to the current crimewave that is sweeping the African continent
and life hasn't always been a bed of roses, but I feel that I have done reasonably
well so far.
I have had a failed marriage, but have two fantastic kids that are very
well adjusted and a pleasure to be around and I always get glowing reports from
people they interact with so I count myself very blessed even though I miss them terribly now as they stay with their mom. I am now remarried to a
fantastic person who after 10 years remains my best and most trustworthy friend.

I am not poor by any means and have been successful at almost everything I have
ever turned my hand to. I am doing very well at my current job and have enjoyed the
benefits and accolades bestowed on me by the company I work for.
Many people I know and some family members have the opinion that I always seem to
"fall with my bum in the butter" referring to the fact (I suppose) that I always seem to
end up on my feet on success street.

I often wonder if they stop to think that this might not always be the case. I struggled
with the loss of my mother and shortly afterwards lost my step dad whom I was very fond of.
They both passed on within a year of each other and it left a huge hole in my life at the time.
Luckily I have a sister with whom I have a very strong bond. She sort of took on the role of
surrogate mother even though she is the youngest. She still is probably the closest person
I have on earth next to my wife. I did more than my allotment of military service in a mix of roles
always closest to the heat. I saw and did things I still don't repeat today to anyone (my wife and sister included).
I was given a nick name (among many) of "Chameleon" by some of the men I served with due to my
unconscious ability to blend in to a number of roles and scenarios without detection.
But it seems now to be in a life that is a closed book or a chapter that I am finished reading.
So both my early years and my military years form part of a life that are filed away.

Yet deep down, in the recesses of my mind I find myself wrestling with the label of Chameleon.....
I have always thought of myself as a thinly disguised top tier predator. Always able, if the need arose,
to take what I want whenever I want it with reasonable impunity. Maybe that helps me in my daily
life and improves my chances of success greatly to the extent that it looks like I always land on
my feet and on "Easy Street" . I must admit I very seldom use this trait as it scares me to wield this
internal force. It just seems the easy/lazy way to move foreword and yes, I am a lazy person by nature.
Yet to the rest of the world I'm the happy go lucky guy that always
manages to fit in and say the right thing at the right time, who very seldom blows up at anything and is
always on an even keel, who always rises to the top....
Internally I seethe at the circumstances that have colluded to force me into this predicament. I am living
as a person that I know I'm not, yet I am beginning to come to terms with it and am creating a safety
zone that I know I will eventually succumb to.
I have no delusions though that if the need arises , I would be able to drag out the predator again and shake off
the camouflage - I am also under no illusion that while the mindset is there, the middle aged body might
not be up to its once finely tuned abilities :-)

So, in closing I return to my question..... are we who we are now, or are we what our current circumstances dictate ?