Friday, February 24, 2006

Looking for a date ?

APPLICATION TO TAKE MY DAUGHTER ON A DATE




1. All applications must be accompanied by: 5kg (or more) biltong, 12 bottles KWV Roodeberg, 12 bottles 10year KWV brandy, 1 case Heineken & a fully paid hunting safari of 14 days in Kenya for 4 persons.



2. This application will be seen as incomplete (and will automatically be unsuccessful) should the following not be attached:

- detailed financial statements for the past 3 years

- school & university history (not technicon, college or any other)

- work history

- family history for the last 200 years ( Anglo Boere-oorlog hensoppers, Joiners en Vermyders can give up right now)

- drivers licence history

- full medical check-up signed by a qualified doctor and psychiatrist



NAME:_______________________

SURNAME:______________________(any animal names on the previous question will lead to an unsuccessful application)

DATE OF BIRTH:___________________________ SCHOOL AVERAGE:____________________________

HEIGHT:____________________ WEIGHT:___________________________

I.D No:____________________________________ I.Q:____________________________

DRIVERS LICENCE:_____________________________

BOYS SCOUT RANK (CURRENT) AND COURSES COMPLETED:

_________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS:______________________

TOWN/CITY:_________________________

CODE:_______________________________

DO YOU HAVE ONE MALE AND ONE FEMALE PARENT?_________________

IF NO; EXPLAIN:

________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________

HOW MANY YEARS HAVE THEY BEEN MARRIED?

________________________________________________________________________________________

IF LESS THAN YOUR AGE; EXPLAIN:

________________________________________________________________________________________

DO YOU OWN:

A COMBI?______________

A FORD SIERRA?_____________

ANY OTHER VEHICLE WITH A WING,ALLOY WHEELS OR ANY NON STANDARD TRIMMING?_________________

A WATERBED?________________

A BAKKIE WITH A MATTRESS IN THE BACK?______________

CONDOMS?__________________

ANY PORNOGRAPHY?__________________

DO YOU WEAR A NOSE RING, EAR RING OR BELLY RING?________________

DO YOU HAVE A TATTOO?________________

SHOULD YOU HAVE ANSWERED YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE QUESTIONS, DO NOT CONTINUE WITH THIS QUESTIONNAIRE (for your

own safety) EVACUATE THE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY.



IN 50 WORDS OR LESS; EXPLAIN WHAT "LATE" MEANS:

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________



IN 50 WORDS OR LESS; EXPLAIN WHAT THE FOLLOWING WORDS MEAN TO YOU: "DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER!"

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________________________



IN 50 WORDS OR LESS WHAT DO YOU UNDERSTAND UNDER NON ALCOHOLIC?

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

IN LESS THAN 10 WORDS, WHAT DOES CASTRATE MEAN?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________



"GENADE DOOD?"

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________



IN NOT LESS THAN 5000 WORDS EXPLAIN WHAT DOES THE TERM "MAKING OUT" MEANS TO YOU.

(use your own f#&*@ paper and attach it to your application)



NAME AND ADDRESS OF THE CHURCH YOU'RE ATTENDING

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________



HOW OFTEN DO YOU ATTEND?_______________________



WHAT IS THE BEST TIME TO QUESTION THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE?

FATHER:______________________ PASTOR/PRIEST:______________________

MOTHER:_____________________ PAROLE OFFICER:______________________

LAST THREE GIRLFRIENDS:_____________________________________________

WILL YOUR PARENTS VOLUNTARY AGREE TO GENETIC TESTS OR WOULD ANESTHETIC DARTS BE REQUIRED?

____________________________________________________________________________________

DO YOU HAVE ANY OBJECTIONS TO SEARCHING YOU, YOUR VEHICLE, HOLE, CAGE OR THE THING WHERE YOU LIVE?

____________________________________________________________________________________



COMPLETE THE FOLLOWING SENTENCES. (answers will be confidential)

A. IN CASE I AM SHOT, I WOULD NOT WANT IT TO BE IN/ON MY________________________

B. IN THE CASE THAT I AM BEING HIT, I WOULDN'T WANT THIS BONES TO BE BROKEN:____________________________

C. A WOMAN'S PLACE IS IN THE ______________________________

D. THE ONE QUESTION I HOPE IS NOT IN THIS QUESTIONNAIRE:________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

E. THE FIRST THING I NOTICE ABOUT A WOMAN WHEN I MEET HER FOR THE FIRST TIME IS:________________________

______________________________________________________________________________________________________



NOTE: Should your previous answer start with a B. A. or V STOP immediately and leave NOW. When leaving the premises, run in s'es with your head

low.



WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BECOME SHOULD YOU GROW UP?

______________________________________________________________________________________________________



WHAT ARE THE CURRENT RATES FOR HOTEL ROOMS?____________________________



CONDOMS ARE SOLD IN PACKAGES OF: ( please tick one)

A. 3

B. 6

C. 9

D. 12

E. All of the above



HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?__________________________________________________



HEREWITH I SOLEMNLY SWEAR THAT ALL THE ABOVE INFORMATION IS CORRECT AND TRUE. INCORRECT INFORMATION MAY (will/can)

LEAD TO DEATH, CASTRATION, LOST OF LIMBS, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, RED HOT IRON MARKING, ANT INFESTATION IN THE REAR

END AND/OR CHINESE WATER TORTURE.



_______________________________

Signature ( That's your name idiot)



Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 - 6 years for processing. You will be notified in writing if your application was excepted.

Please do not attempt to make any contact via telephone, electronic mail, in writing, mail pigeon, smoke signs or sign language. (IT COULD HAVE

SEVERE CONSEQUENCES) Should your application be unsuccessful two gentlemen in black suits with white ties and violin cases will

personally deliver the message.

2 Comments:

At 11:04 AM, Blogger BUDDESS said...

I am sure this is what you will give your daughters' suitors to complete!!!

 
At 11:39 AM, Blogger Bosbefok said...

Hi Buddess. You better believe it !! :-)

 

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