Stuttering kitty ....

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human
Beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she
Volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rotweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,
Fffff'... and before he could say "Fuck !!” , the rotweiler ate him!"

Bollox !!

You ever have one of those days when you wish you had just stayed in bed ??
Today is that day for me...
Got out of bed late cos the sun forgot to shine (winter is setting in and sometimes the sun forgets to put in an appearance....)
The neigbors cat was screeching blue murder most of the night, and i dont have my shotgun handy....
I raced out the house without my suit jacket (and its friggin cold)
Rode in traffic bumper to bumper for an hour and a half and happened to stop next to a traffic cop who noticed i was stopped in the traffic junction yellow box - €60 fine and the indignity of having all the rest of the traffic driving by gawking at the eejit that the cops caught ...
Got to work to find my designated parking spot has been usurped by a manager higher up the foodchain than me and that he has laid claim to it through the correct and legal chain - so I cant even beat the crap out of him and demand it back ....
I have to chair a meeting with my largest , most lucrative client and senior management who have decided to let the axe drop on said client without understanding the strategic importance of said client. Senior Management will be back on to me in short time asking me to mend the fences when they realise what a F*ckup they have made...
I have to cancel my planned long weekend with a Mate over in the UK who was going to take me racing in his new race car, all because the Frickin F*ckwits at Immigration decided only to work on Mon/Wed/Fridays...... and I need the damn thing to fly this weekend and they are stalling getting the passport back to me...
etc
etc etc....
and im not even halfway through this crappy day yet...

Bollox !!

You shouldnt lie to the Cabbie...

A couple are going out for a night on the town. They're all dolled up, ready to go; the lights left on, the dog put out.

 

But just as the taxi arrives and they step out of the house, the dog darts back inside and won't come out. They don't want to leave the dog inside, so the husband goes upstairs to find it, while the wife goes to wait in the taxi.

 

Not wanting it known that the house will be empty, she explains to the driver that her husband had just gone "to say good-bye to my mother".

 

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

 

"Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat-hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard! She'd better not sh!t in the vegetable garden again!".

 

The silence in the cab was deafening.

Blonde jokes ..... You gotta love em ..

A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really
bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took
it to the repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde,
so he decided to have some fun.
He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really
hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and
started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened.
She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said,
"What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to
blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her roommate rolled her eyes and said...
"HELLLLOOOWW .
You gotta roll up the windowwwws..."

How Fathers look after their Daughters...

An 18 yr old girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for
Two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a
Pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting,
Cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I
Want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man
With grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the
Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and
the mother, and the girl.
Then he spoke up with a clipped accent "Good morning, your daughter has
informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa and a £2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage I am not too sure what to do ? What would you suggest?"
At this point the girl's father who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him ... "You shag her again."