Friday, March 31, 2006

The answer to the riddle hidden in the blog is ....

There is a riddle hidden in this blog.

The answer to which is....

Eagles dont catch Flies !!

Saffa Technological glossary

The Boere Computer Dictionary From South Africa

Monitor - Keeping an eye on the braai
Download - Get the firewood off the bakkie
Hard drive - Trip back home without any cold beer
Keyboard - Where you hang the bakkie and bike keys
Window - What you shut when it's cold
Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season
Byte - What mosquitoes do
Bit - What mosquitoes did
Mega Byte - What mosquitoes at the dam do
Chip - A bar snack
Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
Modem - What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix - Oom Jan Matrix's wife
Laptop - Where the cat sleeps
Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at KFC
Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from Checkers
Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
Mainframe - What holds the shed up
Web - What spiders make
Web Site - The shed (or under the verandah)
Cursor - The old bloke what swears a lot
Search Engine - What you do when the bakkie won't go
Yahoo - What you say when the bakkie does go
Upgrade - A steep hill
Server - The person at the pub what brings out the lunch
Mail Server - The bloke at the pub what brings out the lunch
User - The neighbour what keeps borrowing things
Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net
Online - When you get the laundry hung out
Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Rugby fans ....

Two boys are playing cricket on a field in Durban, when one is attacked by a vicious Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy took his cricket bat and managed to wedge it down the dog's collar and twist, luckily breaking the dog's neck and stopping its attack. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Sharks Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal, " he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Sharks fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in Durban, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again. "Stormers Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack,..." he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Stormers fan either!", the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in Durban was either for the Sharks or Stormers .
"So what team DO you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Blue Bulls fan!", the child beamed.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little F*cker from Pretoria Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Monday, March 27, 2006

Direct from a Wordsmith ....

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

To err is human, to moo bovine.

A good pun is its own reword.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean morality comes from morons?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a big book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Adolescence - when a lad forsakes his bosom buddy for a bosomed buddy.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Never jump at an opportunity without a bit of thought....

Johnny wanted to shag a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give
you a 1000 dollars if you let me shag you....but the girl said NO.
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down,
I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for 2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast,
he won't even be able to get his pants down.
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to
Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......
Management lesson:

Mother dearest......

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together.

They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly

mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and

you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.

I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the

entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I

had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to

the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter

and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room,

but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home and I have

my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought

was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound. It

could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my

hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the

gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to

give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious.

Thank you."



Thursday, March 09, 2006

I dont Understand... !

I don't understand.

After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on
Expenses - I had to give up drinking beer.
I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.


I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from
Grocery shopping the receipt included 450 bucks in makeup.
I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up > anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "fcuk off, that's what the beer was for!"

Monday, March 06, 2006

A night to remember...

I have spent the morning keeping my head low and being reminded of the vague recolective visions I have floating around the memory chamber in my head...

I returned yesterday afternoon to Dublin from a company weekend in Prague. I have missed the previous 4 international outings of our work social club but decided this year to see what all the fuss was about.

Every year the company pays for a trip away for all people who subscribe (for a tenner a month) to the social club. This is the highlight of a rather action packed and well subsidized social calendar that I largely tend to ignore.

Well,after a rather demure flight to Prague at some ungodly hour of Friday morning, we arrived at a stunning modern 4 star hotel, were shown our rooms, dumped our baggage and headed back down to the bar (well before midday), to hear what the general plan was .....

Considering we were a very large group (nearly 300) the group was split into 2 flights.......I was on the "early" one. The "general plan" was to meet back in the bar at 8pm that night (once the second plane load of people had arrived) to go on a paid for ,drink yourself silly cruise around the canals of Prague - after which you were on your own.... So what to do until 8pm....? Ahhhh, why not go out and find a pub in town ?

Long story cut short ..... 8pm found us back in the pub at the hotel ...."Four sheets to the wind"
Ready for our expedition. And an expedition it was to turn out to be.....
300, well oiled people, left the hotel on foot (in 2 foot of snow) to find the "underground Metro" which would get us close to the boat. Snow was still falling really hard and a few of us from the back decided that we would ambush the guys in front with snowballs...
This started a running snowball fight right thru the centre of prague with no-one exempt from a good pounding... even passersby not in our group. It was like a scene out of a movie... In fairness, the non group "civillians" (old and young alike)probably "gave" better than they "got"..... A) because they were sober and we could hardly see straight ..... and B) because they were used to this type of heavy snowfall and had probably been throwing snowballs since they were kids... Anyway, it was a riot !!

300 people normally attired in Suits and Ties were running amok like kids at christmas !!
All shrieking and wailing and milling snow at each other for well over half an hour. Even a cop car got lambasted as it drove past , surprisingly it just carried on through the group and high-tailed it outta there :-)

The boat trip was really wierd cos I dont remember much of it - it was too cold (minus 10 C )to go out on deck so we sat and emptied the bar. When we got to where we were going ...or back to where we started...cant really remember. the snowfight started up again. I was early off the boat and the people trying desperately to get accross the narrow gangplank made for easy targets so we gave them a pasting - and as the group on the bank got bigger so the missiles raining onto the stragglers getting off of the boat got progressively heavier. At one stage the "Bouncer" came out onto the gangplank to ask us to stop with the bombardment...but a well placed snowball hit him sqare in the mug and he just swore and stomped back inside ... he knew this was one fight he would never win.

The group then dispersed into smaller knots of incapacitated morons and everyone kind of went off to make eejits of themselves in different parts of the city. For those that know the city our group ended up in Chateux Rouge a skanky local place with an underground Dancefloor....

I was told we made it to the Hotel around 5:15 am on Saturday......

It was truly a night to remember ..... followed by a hangover to forget !!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Son in Laws ....

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound
coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found
daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" She
exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my
parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming
sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his
naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and
This is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this
time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her
husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him on
"What the hell are you doing?" She asked.
He replied, "Watching the cricket with my son-in-law."

Its a matter of TRUST !!

Three tortoises Russell, Steve and Dave, decide to go on a picnic. So Dave packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Dave unpacks the food and beer...

"OK Russ give me the bottle opener." "I didn't bring it," says Russ. "I thought you packed it." Dave gets worried, He turns to Steve, "Did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally Steve didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Dave and Steve beg Russ to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Russ sets off down the road at a steady pace.

Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Dave and Steve are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Russell pops up from behind a rock and shouts........


Rindacella and the Buge Hall .....

One of my all time favourites …….

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella
worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge,
and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible
huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had
tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let
Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She
turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with
six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise,

there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when
suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said
Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping
her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and
the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg
and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked
the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the
stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the

sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a
knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge
halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince
lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a
follen swanny.