Cheap at half the price...

A guy is driving around Town and he sees a sign in front of a
house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting
there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the
CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping I was one of
their most valuable spies for eight years running.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired"
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."

When youre just shit outta luck ....

Two Guys In The Bar One says, "Did your hear the news? Mike is dead!" "Whoa, what the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived at my driveway, he was going too fast, couldn't brake properly and boom - he hits the curb and the car flips. The car knocks down half of my front fence and Mike gets thrown through the sunroof. He went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."



"What a horrible way to die!"



"No no, he survived that. That didn't kill him at all. So, he lands in my upstairs bedroom, lying on the floor all covered in broken glass. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking one arm, three ribs and both his legs."



"What a way to go, that's terrible!"



"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and drags himself out onto the landing. He tries to pull himself up on the bannister but under his weight, the bannister breaks and he goes falling all the way down to the first floor taking the entire bannister with him. In mid air, all the broken bannister poles fall on him and 2 or 3 of them skewer him right through the abdomen just like a rotisserie chicken when he landed at the bottom."



"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"



"No no, that didn't kill him. He survived even that. So he's on the downstairs floor just outside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove by but reaching for a big pot of boiling hot water, and whoosh, the whole thing comes down on him and burns most of his skin off."



"Man, what a terrible way to go!"



"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the floor, scalded by boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing out of the wall. Water and electricity don't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, with 220 volts going right through him."



"Now that is one awful way to go!"



"No no, he survived that, he ..."



"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"



"I shot him!"



"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"



"He was wrecking my f..king house

Am I the only one that sees massive conflict looming ?

This piece from an Airline pilot speaks for so many of us from many countries around the world. Which-ever side of the fence you look at it from, the signs growing around this are ominous.............. (Pls note I am not anti-anyone - it just makes me worry! )

Profiling




This might be long but it sure hits the nail on the head. I just read in the paper today that some Moslem doctor is saying we are profiling him because he has been checked three times while getting on an airplane.




(A Letter From An American Airlines Pilot) This is the same question that many of us have been asking for the past several years....this well spoken man, who is a pilot with American Airlines, says what is in his heart beautifully....read, absorb and make plans to be prepared for an inevitable conclusion.





YOU WORRY ME!

By American Airlines Pilot - Captain John Maniscalco "I've been trying to say this since 9-11 but you worry me. I wish you didn't. I wish when I walked down the streets of this country that I love, that your color and culture still blended with the beautiful human landscape we enjoy in this country. But you don't blend in anymore. I notice you, and it worries me. I notice you because I can't help it anymore. People from your homelands, professing to be Muslims, have been attacking and killing my fellow citizens and our friends for more than 20 years now. I don't fully understand their grievances and hate but I know that nothing can justify the inhumanity of their attacks.




On September 11, nineteen ARAB-MUSLIMS hijacked four jetliners in my country. They cut the throats of women in front of children and brutally stabbed to death others. They took control of those planes and crashed them into buildings killing thousands of proud fathers, loving sons, wise grandparents, elegant daughters, best friends, favorite coaches, fearless public servants, and children's mothers.

The Palestinians Celebrated, The Iraqis were overjoyed as was most of the Arab world.

So I notice you now. I don't want to be worried. I don't want to be consumed by the same rage and hate and prejudice that has destroyed the soul of these terrorists. But I need your help. As a rational American, trying to protect my country and family in an irrational and unsafe world, I must know how to tell the difference between you, and the Arab/Muslim terrorist.

How do I differentiate between the true Arab/Muslim-Americans and the Arab/Muslims in our communities who are attending our schools, enjoying our parks, and living in OUR communities under the protection of OUR constitution, while they plot the next attack that will slaughter these same good neighbors and children? The events of September 11th changed the answer. It is not my responsibility to determine which of you embraces our great country, with ALL of its religions, with ALL of its different citizens, with all of its faults. It is time for every Arab/Muslim in this country to determine it for me.

I want to know, I demand to know, and I have a right to know whether or not you love America. Do you pledge allegiance to its flag? Do you proudly display it in front of your house, or on your car?

Do you pray in your many daily prayers that Allah will bless this nation, that He will protect and prosper it? Or do you pray that Allah with destroy it in one of your "Jihads"? Are you thankful for the freedom that only this nation affords? A freedom that was paid for by the blood of hundreds of thousands of patriots who gave their lives for this country? Are you willing to preserve this freedom by paying the ultimate sacrifice? Do you love America? If this is your commitment, then I need YOU to start letting ME know about it.

Your Muslim leaders in this nation should be flooding the media at this time with hard facts on your faith, and what hard actions you are taking as a community and as a religion to protect the United States of America Please, no more benign overtures of regret for the death of the innocent because I worry about who you regard as innocent. No more benign overtures of condemnation for the unprovoked attacks because I worry about what is unprovoked to you. I am not interested in any more sympathy...I am only interested in action.

What will you do for America - our great country -- at this time of crisis, at this time of war?

I want to see Arab-Muslims waving the AMERICAN flag in the streets. I want to hear you chanting "Allah Bless America ." I want to see young Arab/Muslim men enlisting in the military. I want to see a commitment of money, time, and emotion to the victims of this butchering and to this nation as a whole. The FBI has a list of over 400 people they want to talk to regarding the WTC attack. Many of these people live and socialize in Muslim communities. You know them. You know where they are.

Hand them over to us, now! But I have seen little even approaching this sort of action. Instead I have seen an already closed and secretive community close even tighter. You have disappeared from the streets. You have posted armed security guards at your facilities.

You have threatened lawsuits. You have screamed for protection from reprisals.

The very few Arab/Muslim representatives that HAVE appeared in the media were defensive and equivocating. They seemed more concerned with making sure that the United States proves who was responsible before taking action. They seemed more concerned with protecting their fellow Muslims from violence directed towards them in the United States and abroad than they did with supporting our country and denouncing "leaders" like Khadafi, Hussein, Farrakhan, and Arafat. If the true teachings of Islam proclaim tolerance and peace and love for all people then I want chapter and verse from the Koran and statements from popular Muslim leaders to back it up. What good is it if the teachings in the Koran are good and pure and true when your "leaders" are teaching fanatical interpretations, terrorism, and intolerance?

It matters little how good Islam SHOULD BE if large numbers of the world's Muslims interpret the teachings of Mohammed incorrectly and adhere to a degenerative form of the religion. A form that has been demonstrated to us over and over again. A form whose structure is built upon a foundation of violence, death, and suicide. A form whose members are recruited from the prisons around the world. A form whose members (some as young as five years old) are seen day after day, week in and week out, year after year, marching in the streets around the world, burning effigies of our presidents, burning the American flag, shooting weapons into the air. A form whose members convert from a peaceful religion, only to take up arms against the great United States of America, the country of their birth. A form whose rules are so twisted, that their traveling members refuse to show their faces at airport security checkpoints, in the name of Islam.

Do you and your fellow Muslims hate us because our women proudly show their faces in public rather than cover up like a shameful whore? Do you and your fellow Muslims hate us because we drink wine with dinner, or celebrate Christmas? Do you and you fellow Muslims hate us because we have befriended Israel, the ONLY civilized democratic nation in the entire Middle East?

And if you and your fellow Muslims hate us, then why in the world are you even here? Are you here to take our money? Are you here to undermine our peace and stability? Are you here to destroy us? If so, I want you to leave. I want you to go back to your desert sandpit where women are treated like rats and dogs. I want you to take your religion, your friends, and your family back to your Islamic extremists, and STAY THERE! We will NEVER give in to your influence, your retarded mentality, your twisted, violent, intolerant religion.

We will NEVER allow the attacks of September 11, or any others for that matter, to take away that which is so precious to us: Our rights under the greatest constitution in the world. I want to know where every Arab/ Muslim in this country stands and I think it is my right and the right of every true citizen of this country to demand it. A right paid for by the blood of thousands of my brothers and sisters who died protecting the very constitution that is protecting you and your family. I am pleading with you to let me know. I want you here as my brother, my neighbor, my friend, as a fellow American. But there can be no gray areas or ambivalence regarding your allegiance and it is up to YOU, to show ME, where YOU stand." "Until then .. you worry me" ""

**********************************************

A Curry Tasters Report....

Curry Tasters Report

(Notes taken from an Inexperienced Curry Taster Named Paul Reynolds, who was visiting Durban, from Abingdon, Oxfordshire, UK.)

"At a curry cook-off recently I was selected as a judge. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (a couple of local Indians), that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

______________________________________

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

PAUL: Holy shit!! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy if they even begin to think this tastes like food.

____________________________________________

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

PAUL: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. I had an expression like a cow sucking piss off a thistle.
____________________________________________

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

PAUL: Call Sellafield, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now; get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm now getting shit-faced from all the beer.
Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic Bean Blaster

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

PAUL: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Jaswinder, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 320 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

____________________________________________

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

PAUL: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed hospital treatment from 3rd degree burns. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Jaswinder saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on to it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Phone the White House and tell them you've discovered a stockpile of napalm.

____________________________________________

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!

PAUL: My intestines are now a straight pipe, filled with gaseous and dangerously explosive methane build up. I have sulphuric flames leaping from my arsehole. My rusty sheriffs badge feels like it's been rogered with a red-hot poker and I've just shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Jaswinder; she must be kinkier than I thought. I can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! I think if I sit on the toilet now, my arsehole will go down for a drink of water.
Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably, frothing at the mouth and nostrils and his trousers appear soiled with what appears to be a smoking gravy.

PAUL: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry, which slid unnoticed from my mouth. I'm dribbling acid that has eaten my beard away and now feels like it's eating my skin away with it. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 2-inch hole this stuff has eaten in my stomach.

____________________________________________

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

PAUL: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

From the men with the long white coats....

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time,
and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director
what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub,
then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to
the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor.
"A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director,
"A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Hahahahaha !!!

Someone has been at the sea weed again ... :-)

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called
Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks
that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian,
"I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any
worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and
lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away – afraid his friend
would eat him.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring as no-one would befriend him and became very sad.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he
thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a
prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that
the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture,
he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories
came flooding
back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old
friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your >dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed." -
SCROLL DOWN...

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"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian!"