Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Performance Appraisals....

For everyone who has ever received or given an evaluation, just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations...
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has

started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a

definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a


5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve


8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all


11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "He's been working with glue too much."

15. "He would argue with a signpost."

16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other


19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking

for it."

24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

28. "One neuron short of a synapse."

29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Friday, April 14, 2006

So , Where to next ?

Number plates? Just treat them with contempt

Isn't it about time the venerable but now farcical system of sticking totally forgeable, easily stolen, number plates on motor vehicles ceased? I mean, it really is stupid when you think about it…

The original idea, a century ago, was laudable – back then, making a plate and bolting it to a car was a serious job. Now any Tom, Mary or Mpho can have a set of plates made to order – or simply steal a set – for or from a car of the same make and similar colour and Bob's your Oom.

No more camera-generated speeding tickets – except for the poor sod whose plates were stolen and who will be harassed into the grave by traffic cops bearing summonses and warrants of arrest to be followed by court appearances, contempt of court charges and other legal stuff.

Parking tickets? Any home computer can copy, edit and laser-print a reproduction licence disc with registration, engine and chassis numbers edited to match the false plates.

I submit, your honours, that a mere number plate and a photograph (despite time, date and speed printed thereon) no longer constitute irrefutable evidence and that all such prosecutions be thrown out of court, with costs.

I rest my case

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Listen to the whole of the sentence !!

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's actually dead...." There is a short silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Thought for the day ...

This one is for my mates that know me well...:-)
I hope it comes out cos I thought it was brilliant and is good advice for all.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

SA Government Tender process ....

The Minister of Public Works wanted to remodel her office, so she invited different contractors for tenders.

One was from Johannesburg, one from Durban and the last one from
"OK gentlemen, I want a nice job ," She said, "Let's hear from Jhb?"
The guy took out his ultrasonic measuring device and tablet computer
and began measuring, scrawling on the computer, calculating.

Eventually he said "R90,000, Madam Minister,"

"That seems like quite a lot of money! Why R90,000?"

"You see," he replied, "that's R40,000 for material, R40,000 for
labour and R10,000 for my profit".

Stella seemed OK with that and turned to the Durban contractor. "So
how much do you want to do the job?" she asked.
The Durban fella took out a rusted tape measure, broken clipboard
and a blunt pencil. He took some measurements, scratched some calculations
on the back of his Rothmans box and came up with a figure of R70,000.

"That's interesting!" Said Stella. "Explain the R70,000?"
"Simple, Madam Minister, I got a brother-in-law in the hardware
trade,so that's R35,000 for materials, R30,000 for my guys, and R5,000
for my profit and all."
Stella was amused but happy to accept the explanation. Then she
asked the Soweto contractor for his quotation. He just smiled, looked the
minister in the eyes and said, "R270,000!"

"Yoh Yoh Yoh!... How did you come to that amount without even taking
your measurements? What is that amount for?"

"That's R100,000 for me & R100,000 for you!" he replied.

"So what about the remaining R70,000?" asked Stella.

The Soweto contractor said, "We hire that guy from Durban to do the job!!!"

Who do you think wins the tender ....??