Friday, September 23, 2005

A Pair of Venitian Blinds..

The weary travellers have returned. The gifts bought back by the sack load. The money spent. The hangover deserved ! The ball and chain is now nagging me to put up an account of the adventure…….
But you know what ? I aint gonna !
Partly coz Im lazy and partly coz my memory is shot…… What I can tell you is this….:
We left Dublin to go to Venice, the plane was delayed so we went to the pub for a few ………. We got to Somewhere (Marco Polo Airport) that wasn’t Venice very late at night. We got a bus from there to somewhere else where there were “Water Busses” . We got one of them and spent 2 hours puttering across water to another place ( I think it was Murano) . We nearly got off there coz nobody told us not to , but decided to see where else it would go. After getting some directions from another traveller we waited the trip out until we were dropped in Venice at St Marco’s Square. Must have been quite a popular guy this Marco chap……His name was all over the place….. Anyway, There was WATER EVERYWHERE !! Must have been high tide…..
Not seeing any cars or busses we figured we would bum a lift on a boat thingy…(Vapperetto?) Loads of other people must have heard we were cool cos they joined us on our boat….. Some poor guy asked us for 5 bucks each , and then gave us a small piece of paper with weird writing on it and told us it was valuable for 1 and a half hours…. Must have been a thankyou note….
The boat driver was quite considerate and stopped a bunch of times so we could take pictures and some people got off and just never came back ? Daft !
I spotted a name on a building that looked a lot like one on our map so we got off and we found some non flooded streets, so I figured this was a LOT safer to negotiate… After a short walk and a few 50/50 decisions we saw a restaurant. I figured the people in there MUST know how to speak the funny language on my hotel booking thingy…. I asked the woman …” Hi-o ! Do You Know-o the whereabouts of this hotel-o ? She looked at me and her eyes lit up and I thought I was in !! But she went right past me and back out onto the street . I was just about to try my second attempt at my slightly rusty Italian when she flung out one arm and pointed to a wall 4 foot from where I stood. Was it luck or a higher being that had guided me from one side of the world to the other – right up to the point I should have gotten to - and then cruelly turned me to the wrong side of the road ?
So I thought to Myself ……. “ Myself…..You got here so… !” – Much against the beliefs of the Nay-sayers back home in Ireland ( You Know Who !) Someone that I know ,who is the most organised person ever (read "worse than Monica" in FRIENDS) said “ Are you sure you will be ok ? Have you got your passport ? Have you got your toothbrush? Have you got your……” You get where Im going.
Anyway to celebrate the fact we had made it, we went and found a Pub for a few more …… Things got hazy from there and next thing I know it’s a new day !
Twas a great day. Sun shone, went shopping , Saw stuff , Realized the boats were taxis, the tide was always that high, my Italian was rustier than I remembered…..
We ended up back at the hotel after seeing all the touristy stuff . Being hungry I decided it was time to to hit on the lass that so sweetly helped us (From the resturant across the road) the night before, It had started to P*ss down with rain….I mean REALLY Hose down ! That Higher being must have just finished his bath cos Venice was just below his plughole !
Just what Venice needs I thought – More WATER !!
We dashed across the street and swam into the restaurant. We got stuck into a liter of “Wino de Cassa” which went down quite well. Things were getting misty by the time we finished our meal – must have had something to do with all the rain… Not wanting to miss out on the exotic Nightlife we tramped upstream to a little Wine Bar. Now, I am not so good at drinking wine at the best of times ….. The “ Chateau de Callapso” we started drinking in the wine bar made the mist a LOT worse…. So we figured it would be prudent to wander out into the night again. This time we went with the tide and kinda floated down towards an Irish Pub I had spotted earlier. This is where things got a bit messy.
The barman working in the irish Bar in Venice turned out to be the guy who used to serve me in my “Local pub” 50 meters from my front door in Jolly old Ireland…..
Needless to say many, Large ,free, beers found their way down my neck at an alarming rate of knots courtesy of "my new best Mate" and then I mentioned to some woman (who had just ,that day, gotten engaged that day on a Gondola) that ….” Eye-o just love-o Sambucca –o !” Hic !
Too many of those later , the pub closed and she asked us to join her and her new “feeyansay” in a stroll down to the nightclub down the road/lake/river…
The mist was REALLY thick now, but being the never-say-die person that I am ,I agreed…. I think I relinquished control of my navigational equipment and stability platform around then …. I danced up a storm ( read –“Frog in Blender-o”). My Loving sister must have got me home coz next thing I knew it was day again.
The mist had been replaced by what can only be described as the “Fog of War! “ The whole day went past as though I was swimming in treacle, we did some stuff….
That night though, we were back on the lash and The trip home wasn’t really too eventful. I was tired of walking , tired of water, tired of booze and smoking, - I wanted my own bed with someone in it that I didn’t have to speak to in Italian-o . ... :-)
Oh look ...! She got her wish and I did it !! 

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Balls of Steel !

OK, so here is one that was sent to me by a mate. It could be an Urban Myth but it really appeals to my sence of humor and revenge....


You gotta love this guy.....

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson
University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno talked
about it on television .

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a
microphone to talk to the crowd.

He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long
distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to
thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for
providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a
special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair,
including the wedding party,was a manila envelope. He said this was his
gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each
manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a
private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a
couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!".
Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after
finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as
if nothing were wrong.

His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300
guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and
best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
Wedding photographs commemorating the
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
humping the best man........Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's

Brilliant Innit ?

Friday, September 09, 2005

Times to remember ....

After reading and leaving a comment on Buddess' latest post it reminds me of some of the really bizzare things we have done over the years...... And then kind of find it hard to think about future dicipline for my kids when they eventually get out of hand....
Apart from the Biking stories (and there are enough to fill a medium sized book...)I was once part of a very pleasure orientated crowd of people who got up to some really off the wall incidents.....
We were young and fresh out of college/Army ..... beer was cheap and wine even cheaper....
everyone who was anyone had a VW campervan or "Fucktruck" and we all were into surfing , paddle skiing or submarines...
Now, I hear you all saying SUBMARINES ?? What the ..??
OK, some of our mates joined the Sub Corps when we all went off to do our military stints. These guys were the heart of our crowd cos they were a bit (read a LOT here!)
nuts/crazy/looney/from other planets.....
Meester Firr (Mr Firr - short for Kaffir)was the worst. He invited us all around to his spot to watch the RUGBY one Saturday afternoon... Meesis Firr (his other half) was sent out to buy more beer and a case of "Captain" (Morgan Rum) at half time cos she was the only one not absolutely paralytic at the time...
Meester Firr (who is only scared of one thing in the world...-you guessed it ....Mrs Firr), decides to show us a " trick ". He digs around in the back of the couch and comes up with a 1000 foot Flare ..... the kind you shoot into the sky to attract ships when youre stranded or in trouble.....
Immediately I realize we are heading for the afore - mentioned "Trouble"....
In a room that is about 4 meters by 5 meters and covered with a deep pile "shaggy type " Carpet , Mr Firr sets off the flare...
So, ..You have 6 or 7 really pissed men , a roof that is only about 8 foot above the ground , and a flare designed to go up 1000 foot and then explode into a brilliant white light dangling from a small parachute.....
Even using your wildest imagination , I still doubt you could come up with the scene that ensued ....
Outside on the lawn after diving through a broken window about 3/4's of a nano second after the 1000 foot explosion - and puking (mostly though our noses) from the smoke/fumes and excess alcohol, eyes watering and absolutely Screeching with Laughter ....we all collapsed. When the worst was over and Mr Firr finally lurched out still carrying the Fire extinguisher dribbling foam.....we started to worry about the imminent return of Mrs Firr....
It wasnt long after Mr firr decided to fire up the lawnmower (to "trim the carpet a bit")
that I remembered I had to be somewhere .... and lit outta there...
The rest of the story was the stuff of legends.... and I will save it for another day.
If I remember I will also retell the story of the ships anchor being dragged through Cape townbehind a large 4X4 by a clueless Mrs Firr....