Great Cricket Sledges ....

The Greatest Cricketing sledges of all time..........

Things said that viewers are not aware of on the other side of the TV lenses....

1. Rod Marsh & Ian Botham: When Botham took guard in an Ashes match,
Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So hows
Your wife & my kids?"

2. Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne:As Cullinan was on his way to the
wicket, Warne told him he had Been waiting 2 years for another chance
to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

3. Glenn McGrath (bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo
Brandes):
"Hey Eddo, why are you so F**ing Fat?" Eddo Brandes: "Because
everytime I
F*** your mother, she throws me a biscuit"

4. Robin Smith & Merv Hughes:During 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to
Smith after he played & missed:"You can't f**king bat". Smith to
Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary: "Hey Merv, we make a fine
pair. I can't f**king bat & you can't f**king bowl."

5. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad:During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called
Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed:
"Tickets please", Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.


6. Merv Hughes & Viv Richards:During a test match in the West Indies,
Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after
deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me.
In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed
him he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say f**k off."


7. And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment which
was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga
called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney...
"You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c**t!!!"

8. James Ormond had just come out to bat on an ashes tour and was
greeted by Mark Waugh....... MW : "F*ck me, look who it is. Mate, what
are you doing out here, there's no way you're good enough to play for
England" JO : "Maybe not, but at least i'm the best player in my family"

9. McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan: "So what does Brian Lara's d*ck taste
like?"
Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife." McGrath (losing it): "If you
ever F*&king mention my wife again, I'll F*ing rip your F*fing throat out."


10. Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player (Adam Parore)
comes to the crease playing & missing the first ball. Mark - "Ohh, I
remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were sh*t then,
you're fu*king useless now". Parore- (Turning around) "Yeah, that's me
& when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly sl*t & now I
hear you've married her. You dumb c*nt".

11. Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky Sri Lankan
batsman Arjuna Ranatunga the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the
batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump
character to get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy
piped up, "Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it."

12. Ravi shastri v/s the aussie 12th man (don't remember who, and
don't want to slander anyone ) shastri hits it to this guy and looks
for a single...this guy gets the ball in and says "if you leave the > crease i'll break your f***ing head" Shastri: "if you could bat as
well as you can talk you wouldn't be the f***ing 12th man"


13. Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and
missed a couple of times. Marshall : "Now David, Are you going to get
out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill
you?">

14. Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first
slip,and right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word.
At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises
sheepishly. "I should've kept my legs together, Fred". "So should your
mother" he replied.

Women Explained

Gotta love this..... Shining example of the bare truth :-)

The BESTEST joke EVR !!

If you dont get this one then you are missing something.......

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up! and says "Hey you!" The Monkey looksdown and says ..........................................


"Faaaaaaark dude....... like, how much water did you drink?!!"

Watch what you say...

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many
years.

First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"
The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy,


"I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, "Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a
d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e
t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y
I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he
was almost married.

w..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e...r..e
s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r p..o..r..c..h a..n..d
t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g
h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r
t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d,
s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e. A..n..d
t..h..e..n.. s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i...n..g
i..n m..y f..a..c..e."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first
friend.

"W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l...o..w..l..y,
t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e
l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h...e
w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s!"

The root of Road rage....

Some of the words here will be "SouthAfricanisms", but Im sure you will get the drift of things...
A taxi , by definition is any people carrier liscenced to take 12 passengers but normally carrying at least 20. The steering wheels are removed so the driver can scoot up close to the dash and get more passengers in..... They make for spectacular accidents.

Take time to read this and please don't mind some of the language! It is brilliantly written and I think this guy should be knighted, whoever he is!!! More drivers need to fight the scourge of the lawless taxi drivers. The author deserves an award for this! His name calling talent is truly inspiring and we have all been a party to the experience............


This morning, yours truly, decided to sneak in a pinch of top-secret and highly professional canoe training at Emmerentia dam, before the first farts of the sparrows could escape their imprisoning sphincters, and even before the glories-of-mornings of most non-gay South African men could rise to view the possible prospects of "before work" swims. Yep, I was up and onto that little patch of water before sunrise, tearing around it at record-breaking pace, sneaking in a wee bit of pre-Duzi training in order to wrestle the crown away from the well slow and soft Martin Dreyer (present Duzi champion, for those of you not in the intellectual canoe mix) next time around. Anyway, the details of my incredible canoe talent are not up for discussion here, but rather what happened on my drive home after the session, in rush hour traffic and, in particular, on Jan Smuts Avenue near to the Old Parktonian sports club around 8am. I was happily chilling in my car, cruising along at about 60kph, in pretty much bumper-to-bumper traffic, with nobody going anywhere any faster; it was simply not an option. Well, not an option for anyone with a brain, with an ounce of logic within their crania, with a drop of sense inside the membranes of their cerebral hemispheres. You'd think that a creature without a brain would equate to a fly or less, a category that includes mosquitoes, stones, anvils and......taxi drivers.
Yep,enter Sipho "I'm a d_ckhead without a brain cell" Ndlovo, driver of a Toyota Hi-Ace with 4 wheels, 1 brake pad, no lights, half a steering wheel, about 30 people inside and 3 masking-taped windows, yep, standard issue for a South African taxi driver.
He had more than likely participated in the demonstration march last month with hundreds of other taxi driver idiots protesting about having had their 'vehicles' impounded for not being roadworthy. The rocket-scientists couldn't understand what wasn't roadworthy about a taxi with a bobejaan spanner for a steering wheel, or one without brakes (they reckon a handbrake is just as good as the foot brake pedal). Anyway, my mate Sipho decided things weren't flowing fast enough for him so started weaving in and out of the traffic, arm hanging out of his window like a baboon's tail hanging from its ring piece. I heard this aeronautical engineer-like taxi driver coming from about 5 cars back, because everyone was hooting and slamming on brakes to avoid the accident that he was trying his damnest to cause. After he narrowly missed the back of my canoe as he swerved in behind me I made a stubborn little vow that he definitely wouldn't be cutting in front of me like that, and so began the fun and games.
The bum-wart first tried the standard tactic of intimidation, just gradually cutting me off, in the typical "you'd better slow down and let me in, or I'll crash into you" method. Well, I used the typical "F_ck you faeces-brain" tactic, with one hand on the hooter, the other pointing straight at him, with my foot firmly on the accelerator, until he backed down like Mike Catt had done in 1995 when Jonah Lomu ran straight over him. This had a snowball effect, which had me chuckling the whole way back to my humble abode. Syphilis-face then decided to put all his well acquired driving skill to the test and adopted the smartest technique of them all, the "Eish, I weel ovah-take on the wrong side" method, one that sadly has caused numerous accidents in the past, including the untimely death of one of our awesome mates, Mike Short, a year ago. This made old Maccatini madder than a spitting cobra with a red hot cactus lodged up its rectum. No skin off the f_cking taxi drivers nose, he just accelerated more, and tried to cut in front of the double-cab in front of me, this after he had hooted at me and showed me a middle finger accompanied with a few swearwords, something that made me want to beat him harder than Campbell hit the gay boy who stabbed him repeatedly with a pen all those years ago! Well, the fella in front of me had obviously also been observing the proceedings, and likewise refused to let Sipho Dickdribble Ndhlovo in so the acceleration by the monkey continued, while he tried his hardest to outstare the double-cab driver. Sadly for the nuclear physicist the emergency lane was shortly going to end, with a solid stone pavement to mark its ending.
More sadly for him was the fact that he, and his 30-odd passengers were all trying their damnest to "intimidate by staring" myself and the double-cab man, instead of watching the road ahead something that most brain-owners do when driving.
I saw it coming, and was smiling my full-tusk smile even before they hit!! Anal-bum-wart hit that pavement at about 70kph, 31 passengers bumped their heads on the roof of the Hi-Ace in poetic unison, adding an extra 31 dents to the already-f_cked minibus, and the two front wheels were ripped off the chassis as the bus slid to a delightful halt. Thankfully no passengers were hurt, which made it the most fantastic thing to witness. Sadly though, Sipho, arm still hanging out of the window,was also unscathed. However, his car was more f_cked than that prostitute at PE harbour named Deloris, and his mood was somewhat down-trodden. I hooted and made sure he got the full-frontal of my biggest-ever super smile, as did the driver of the double-cab, and then to my absolute joy, looked in my mirror to see every driver behind me doing exactly the same!
The brain-cell-lacker had received his well-earned treatment! I was happier than Hudders when he passed his board, or at least as happy!! So folks, what a peachy morning it has been so far. The sun is shining, it's Friday, I've done my training, Long Tom Roodt is back in the country, there will be a lot of thirst quenched this weekend, and Sipho, Faeces-face Ndlovo is one mini-bus short of a taxi! Now that is justice....!

Looking for a date ?

APPLICATION TO TAKE MY DAUGHTER ON A DATE




1. All applications must be accompanied by: 5kg (or more) biltong, 12 bottles KWV Roodeberg, 12 bottles 10year KWV brandy, 1 case Heineken & a fully paid hunting safari of 14 days in Kenya for 4 persons.



2. This application will be seen as incomplete (and will automatically be unsuccessful) should the following not be attached:

- detailed financial statements for the past 3 years

- school & university history (not technicon, college or any other)

- work history

- family history for the last 200 years ( Anglo Boere-oorlog hensoppers, Joiners en Vermyders can give up right now)

- drivers licence history

- full medical check-up signed by a qualified doctor and psychiatrist



NAME:_______________________

SURNAME:______________________(any animal names on the previous question will lead to an unsuccessful application)

DATE OF BIRTH:___________________________ SCHOOL AVERAGE:____________________________

HEIGHT:____________________ WEIGHT:___________________________

I.D No:____________________________________ I.Q:____________________________

DRIVERS LICENCE:_____________________________

BOYS SCOUT RANK (CURRENT) AND COURSES COMPLETED:

_________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS:______________________

TOWN/CITY:_________________________

CODE:_______________________________

DO YOU HAVE ONE MALE AND ONE FEMALE PARENT?_________________

IF NO; EXPLAIN:

________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________

HOW MANY YEARS HAVE THEY BEEN MARRIED?

________________________________________________________________________________________

IF LESS THAN YOUR AGE; EXPLAIN:

________________________________________________________________________________________

DO YOU OWN:

A COMBI?______________

A FORD SIERRA?_____________

ANY OTHER VEHICLE WITH A WING,ALLOY WHEELS OR ANY NON STANDARD TRIMMING?_________________

A WATERBED?________________

A BAKKIE WITH A MATTRESS IN THE BACK?______________

CONDOMS?__________________

ANY PORNOGRAPHY?__________________

DO YOU WEAR A NOSE RING, EAR RING OR BELLY RING?________________

DO YOU HAVE A TATTOO?________________

SHOULD YOU HAVE ANSWERED YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE QUESTIONS, DO NOT CONTINUE WITH THIS QUESTIONNAIRE (for your

own safety) EVACUATE THE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY.



IN 50 WORDS OR LESS; EXPLAIN WHAT "LATE" MEANS:

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________



IN 50 WORDS OR LESS; EXPLAIN WHAT THE FOLLOWING WORDS MEAN TO YOU: "DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER!"

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________________________



IN 50 WORDS OR LESS WHAT DO YOU UNDERSTAND UNDER NON ALCOHOLIC?

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

IN LESS THAN 10 WORDS, WHAT DOES CASTRATE MEAN?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________



"GENADE DOOD?"

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________



IN NOT LESS THAN 5000 WORDS EXPLAIN WHAT DOES THE TERM "MAKING OUT" MEANS TO YOU.

(use your own f#&*@ paper and attach it to your application)



NAME AND ADDRESS OF THE CHURCH YOU'RE ATTENDING

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________



HOW OFTEN DO YOU ATTEND?_______________________



WHAT IS THE BEST TIME TO QUESTION THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE?

FATHER:______________________ PASTOR/PRIEST:______________________

MOTHER:_____________________ PAROLE OFFICER:______________________

LAST THREE GIRLFRIENDS:_____________________________________________

WILL YOUR PARENTS VOLUNTARY AGREE TO GENETIC TESTS OR WOULD ANESTHETIC DARTS BE REQUIRED?

____________________________________________________________________________________

DO YOU HAVE ANY OBJECTIONS TO SEARCHING YOU, YOUR VEHICLE, HOLE, CAGE OR THE THING WHERE YOU LIVE?

____________________________________________________________________________________



COMPLETE THE FOLLOWING SENTENCES. (answers will be confidential)

A. IN CASE I AM SHOT, I WOULD NOT WANT IT TO BE IN/ON MY________________________

B. IN THE CASE THAT I AM BEING HIT, I WOULDN'T WANT THIS BONES TO BE BROKEN:____________________________

C. A WOMAN'S PLACE IS IN THE ______________________________

D. THE ONE QUESTION I HOPE IS NOT IN THIS QUESTIONNAIRE:________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

E. THE FIRST THING I NOTICE ABOUT A WOMAN WHEN I MEET HER FOR THE FIRST TIME IS:________________________

______________________________________________________________________________________________________



NOTE: Should your previous answer start with a B. A. or V STOP immediately and leave NOW. When leaving the premises, run in s'es with your head

low.



WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BECOME SHOULD YOU GROW UP?

______________________________________________________________________________________________________



WHAT ARE THE CURRENT RATES FOR HOTEL ROOMS?____________________________



CONDOMS ARE SOLD IN PACKAGES OF: ( please tick one)

A. 3

B. 6

C. 9

D. 12

E. All of the above



HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?__________________________________________________



HEREWITH I SOLEMNLY SWEAR THAT ALL THE ABOVE INFORMATION IS CORRECT AND TRUE. INCORRECT INFORMATION MAY (will/can)

LEAD TO DEATH, CASTRATION, LOST OF LIMBS, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, RED HOT IRON MARKING, ANT INFESTATION IN THE REAR

END AND/OR CHINESE WATER TORTURE.



_______________________________

Signature ( That's your name idiot)



Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 - 6 years for processing. You will be notified in writing if your application was excepted.

Please do not attempt to make any contact via telephone, electronic mail, in writing, mail pigeon, smoke signs or sign language. (IT COULD HAVE

SEVERE CONSEQUENCES) Should your application be unsuccessful two gentlemen in black suits with white ties and violin cases will

personally deliver the message.

Antipodean rivalry....

FOR ALL THE ANTI-AUSIES
>
> London Zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla.
> Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very
> horny and
> difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo
> veterinarian
> determined the problem. The gorilla was on heat. To
> make matters
> worse, there were no male gorillas of the species
> available.
>
> While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management
> noticed
> Brilly, a big Aussie lad, responsible for fixing the
> Zoo's machinery.
> Brilly, like most Aussies, had little sense, but
> seemed to be
> possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of
> ANY species.
> So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a
> solution.
>
> Brilly was approached with a proposition. Would he be
> willing to
> have sex with the gorilla for $500? Brilly showed some
> interest, but
> said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
> The following
> day, Brilly announced that he would accept their
> offer, only under
> three conditions:
>
> > "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her."
> >
> > "Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
> >
> The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these
> conditions, so they
> asked what was his third condition.
>
> "Well," said Brilly, "You gotta give me another week
> to come up with the $500."
>

Two for the price of one.....

This is so easy..... If you dont know what im talking about , read my previous post..... So here goes again....
Dont forget to score .........



Memorandum
MOD Form 4
(Revised 9/89)


To:


From:


All Al Queda Fighters


Bin Laden, Osama


Date
20 Nov 02

( Number


Your Reference

Our Reference



Subject:
THE CAVE



Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning roster - have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the shit out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "OssyOssyOssy, Oy Oy Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Five: Grafitti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F**KS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkey's there is a grey area.)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots,

Group Hug. Os.

PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.

So Im a lazy Shmuck....

Ok, I have finally decided that i will make regular contributions to my blogsite, cos up till now i have been kinda lazy and it takes too long, and Im a technophobe and, and and.......etc ad nauseum.
So I have figured a way around this little problem. I seem to be a hub for all the jokes in cyberspace. Everyday I get in more jokes than I can shake a stick at. Not that I mind cos I LOVE to laugh....so, I have decided to dedicat my blog space to the best of the crop. Now my choice might not be so funny to you but they sure as hell are to me and also .... I dont really care too much as long as someone has a laugh ( even if it is only me).Some are jokes others are just funny occurrances that happen out there.

You can score them out of ten with a comment .

So here goes .....

..........................................................................................................................................................................

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing, I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than
3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles?
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock, Tommy

.........................................................................................................................................................................

Now THATS FUNNY !! Im ashamed to say that I once tried a similar thing and it aint funny at the time, but I still get the shakes just remembering.... :-)